I’m 32 and thinking about becoming a single mother by choice.
I've lived abroad, traveled the world, gained an education, partied hard, explored my sexuality, and established a career. I pursue creative hobbies, stand up for what I believe in, volunteer for causes I'm passionate about, and look for the beauty in everything. I live alone and genuinely enjoy my own company. I take charge of my life and steer the parts that I can control - inwardly and outwardly - in the direction I want to go. I'm not complacent, but I haven't met a man who shares my goal of parenthood, and I've been single for too long.
I'm not holding out for the mythological Mr. Right. Rather, I want to meet a man who is kind-hearted, shares my values, and respects my interests. And I don't desire fireworks. Nor do I buy into the myth of ready-made soul mates. I believe that we choose to love, and we choose to commit to someone, and I will work as hard as I can to maintain my side of the love-commitment pact. I believe in compromise, and I believe in hard work. In my eyes, ups and downs *are* contentment. The thing is, I want to share them with a (truly) significant other. Now. Yet he hasn't come along, and while I can live without ever meeting a partner, I cannot live without ever mothering a child.
The media tells me that I'm to be a happy and carefree single, that I'm to revel in my ability to spend as much money as I please on as many material items as I please, and that I'm to accept that a hobby, a pet, a designer handbag and a desk by the window will fulfill my very human yearnings for deep intimacy and a biological child. I'm supposed to push my desire for commitment aside, and to drown my biological clock in cocktails. I'm to celebrate capitalism (oops, I mean singleness) by buying experiences that induce temporary highs and “pampering” myself in ways that conform to Western beauty ideals - while having meaningless sex with a different man every night (who won’t even pay me for the displeasure). And I'm to feel proud of these “achievements.”
Only all I want is to be a mother, which now requires new ways of being and believing. Because the bustling family life and equally shared parenting I’ve always aspired to, sensing it would make me profoundly happy, now feels akin to chasing rainbows -- on deadline. I never imagined my wishes would slip so easily through my fingers. After all, they were within my reach, under my control, and embarrassingly average. Or were they?
As I stand at crossroads -- facing my fears, acknowledging my loss, and reshaping my hopes -- avoidance, confusion and anger have given way to anxiety and frustration. Sure, I’m ready and willing to make a lifelong commitment, shoulder responsibility, surrender my personal freedoms, and relinquish my lifestyle “privileges.” I feel like I’ve been ready for years. And yes, I’m confident that I can provide time, attention, love, discipline, and material essentials. But do I have the right to have a child because...well, just because I want one?
Does “choice” motherhood disadvantage a child from his or her first breath? To what degree does the stigma attached to “choice” mothers “taint” a child, too? What psychosocial obstacles stand in the way of a “choice” child, teenager, and adult’s happiness? Am I strong enough not to feel belittled by the elevated social status conferred on partnered mothers? Is putting care and thought into bringing a “choice” child into this world any guarantee that I will make the right decision? Without knowing the personality of my future child, or how he or she will react to mine, can that decision ever be “right”? Will (single) mother-love be enough “protection” against an oftentimes hard, lonely and thankless job? Can I truly resign myself to the possibility of never experiencing passionate, companionate love with a man again? And if “giving love”, “receiving love”, and “having a family” are good enough reasons for couples (who may or may not remain together) to become parents…why aren’t they good enough for me, too?
But the more I weigh the struggles and strengths of “choice” motherhood, the more my feelings of helplessness give way to meaning. Because I may not have a new dream in place yet, but I do have a new vision of who I am and what I can become -- if I choose to reach out to the future fearlessly.
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9 comments:
You've communicated my experience and state of mind perfectly. I couldn't have written it better myself. Best of luck finding your new dream.
What a well-written, thoughtful piece. Thank you for sharing - I am a 38-yr-old longtime Thinker who can very, very much relate to most of what you beautifully expressed.
-K
please do it - your thoughts echo my own several years ago. Many years of struggling with the decision, then struggling with fertility, but the end is fairy-tale happy. I now have two fabulous little boys. A strong family, even if only parented by myself.
Your email captures many of my thoughts. I am 34, I've been successful professionally, less successful in finding the right partner. It's unfortunate that I haven't met the right person; to think that misfortune may prevent me from having a child is tragic. I can see where the decision could be viewed as selfish, but knowing that my child will be the center of my world lets me know that it will be the most unselfish thing I have ever done. I know my life is going to change. I know it likely will compromise my dating life, and that some men will be intimidated by the fact I already have a child. I know it is going to turn my career into hell at times. I know my friends will not understand (they love the single life too much), and my mother, although she will love her grandchild once he or she arrives, will tell me every day that I have made a mistake. And I know that it is all worth it. I know that for all the challenges, compromises, and sacrifices, it will be the single best thing I have ever done.
My only suggestion, if I may make one, is to give it a little more time. Start preparing, start getting ready. But as ready as I am, I am going to wait another year, possibly two. My parents were older when I was born, and my father passed away when I was young, so it always has been incredibly important to me to have children when I am young. But while I am 100% behind being a single parent by choice, my first choice would be to embark on that journey and adventure with someone I love. And I also know that single motherhood is not a 24/7 job, but a 36/10 job.... : ) You've obviously very intelligent and have given this serious thought. Enjoy this time and look forward to what is to come.
WOW, did you read my mind or what?! I typed single and childless into google and found your post. I can not believe that there are others who feel exactly the same as I do. Why is it that we feel so conflicted? Why can't I just make a choice and, as you say, make the picture of what I want, happen?
H.Christine
I think it's interesting the messages you are absorbing from the media about being a single, childless woman. I'm in my late 30s and also single and childless but mostly I feel these messages are superficial, a little bit of 'girl power' lite window dressing that does little to obscure the perennial expectation that women should aspire to marriage, a mortgage and children Single women in their 30s do have it better these days in terms of how society views them, but still I think a lot of people regard them with pity.
Unlike you, though, I don't think that I want children. I wonder if that helps tp explain my above observation?
I am crying as i type this . I too am 34 single with a career i love but i cant even look at my best friends baby pictures on face book without crying... i am so envious of them its like a stab to the heart. i just dont know if it will ever happen for me.
What did the writer of this entry end up doing?
I'm 38 years old. Career not stabilized yet. Married for about 6 years. My husband has felt jittery about his long-term job. He has not been keen on having a kid for fear of financial burdens. I feel bitter that he's not willing to bite the bullet. Because I've always thought that if a man loves u, he'd want to have a kid with u.
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