One vision of a childless future

submitted by Marinela, 43, mother of a five-month-old

Do you ever have that feeling? And not just a bit but where you feel
shaken to the core?

Earlier tonight I took my son to a synagogue that I used to frequent
when I was childless as they have a great singles "meat market." They
also, it turns out, have a great children's Shabbat program - no
preaching, just songs and doing a conga type line that kids really
enjoyed, letting kids play around on stage - very fun and interactive.
I had to use the restroom afterwards, and no one was around to hold
Colin so I maneuvered to hold him and do my thing at the same time AND
wash my hands afterwards (didn't know I could do it). My back was
aching, my sprained toe was swelling up and hurting, and I was
questioning my resolve to take my son to this function.

We went into the dinner hall, and I got some food for myself while
holding Colin (all squirming 18 lbs. of him). My plate was already
full by the time someone offered to hold him. I sat down at a table with
a lot of other people and tried to engage in conversation, but somehow
it didn't click. So I sat and looked around at the mostly father+mother
+kid(s) families around me while eating and bottle-feeding Colin,
feeling sorry for myself.

Then I noticed a woman coming into the room and taking out her wallet
to pay the dinner fee. She was older, in her 60s, and wearing
a rumpled beige raincoat. She got her food and sat at a table in a
corner of the room, away from everyone. There was something
indescribably sad about the sight of her sitting in a corner, not just
alone but facing away from everyone - surrounded by people chattering
away and kids laughing and screaming. I kept glancing in her direction
and finally I gave into the pull and took Colin over to her table to
sit and talk to her.

She seemed delighted to talk to someone - even stopped eating though I
asked her a couple of times to continue with her dinner. Colin got
restless rooting at my breast because it was his bedtime, but I just
soothed him becaus I didn't want to cut her off. It was as if she knew
why I'd come over... She told me that she was 66, that she'd wanted
children, but her ex-husband had diabetes and was already taking care
of nephews/nieces, and so she'd focused on her career, said she'd been
on President Clinton's council on something or other, etc. I think she
was a bit off in the head, but not anymore than any of us would get
were we to become alone and isolated. When she heard that I was a
single mother, she tried to encourage me, saying I should go to other
functions to meet a partner, and other bits of advice. After we left,
I saw her slowly crossing a street, painfully hunched over, and then
hailing a cab.

As I was driving home, I felt so shaken up... Colin was sleeping
peacefully in his carseat behind me, and I sneaked glances at his
serene face as tears blurred my vision. I kept thinking, "Oh, God, oh,
God, that could have been me 20 years from now" - had I not made the
decision to have a child on my own or had I put my hope in a guy yet
again. In a parallel universe, that IS me!

Meeting this woman and hearing her story put my difficulties of coping on
my own into perspective: nothing would be as bad to me as not having
my child, NOTHING!

Has any of you experienced a similar epiphany?