Working odd hours

A not-uncommon query was posted on the Choice Mom discussion board by someone who worked long, odd hours and was concerned how other single women with non-9-to-5 work managed. She also wondered how we work 40 hours and then come home and do everything alone. It elicited some helpful responses that I thought should be shared with the wider blog audience:

Helena: I also had a job that required a lot of hours and potentially some really weird, last minute, come-in-and-deal-with-this-at-3 a.m. ones. I made sure I had back up--people I knew and could call on in an emergency, and also found that I could often bring my son (now 3) in on those rare middle-of-the-night occasions. I found that kids can be pretty adaptable when they are started off with a certain routine early on. I have family about 50 miles away but also made sure I had a lot of friends who could help out if I needed to be at work on an off-time and COULDN'T have him with me. That is key. If I hadn't had that, I don't think I would have been able to stay at my (then) job.

I think you also need to tell yourself that you cannot be Super Mom without driving yourself crazy. Quality time is important over quantity time. My friends with kids who have partners (and one is a SAHM with a live-in nanny!) plan extravagant parties for their kids because they have the time to hand-make invitations and party-favors. That's great! But I have to know that I won't be able to do that much without going crazy.

Darla: I just want to reiterate that your priorities really do change once you have a child. The job that seemed so important to you before may become more just a way to make money than a way to find personal fulfillment. Not that you don't need a job that you enjoy, but just that it will likely not be nearly as important as the time you spend away from that job. And you will find waysto either work your home schedule around your job schedule or work your job schedule around your home schedule. We all do that to a certain extent, even those of us who work "normal hours".

The last thing I want to mention is that I can't stress enough how important a support system is, especially if you have medical issues that may limit your endurance at times. In my opinion, no one should parent totally alone. The old saying that 'It takes a village to raise a child' is a wise one and even two-parent households need that village from time to time. Life is messy. People get sick, cars break down, things come up at the last minute, and having a network of people to call on in those circumstances can be crucial.

When I started off on this journey of SMC, I had the same idea that you stated above. I wanted to have people around in case of extreme emergencies, but I wanted to be able to handle everything else by myself. What I found was that even when I can do that, I shouldn't. It's not the best option for me or my children. When I am overly tired or totally in need of adult conversation or whatever else, I am not the best mom to my children. I need to meet my own needs in order to meet theirs to the best of my abilities and so the responsible thing to do in those circumstances is ask for help, as hard as that can be at times.

I’ve also met other moms who are definitely not soul-mates but who live nearby so are really convenient in terms of trading babysitting. Sometimes it's not about the emotional connection, but just about the convenience factor.

Heather: There are 24 -hour daycare facilities these days to accommodate those working the non-traditional 8-5 shift. I think if you posted an add for a home day care provider with your specific hours, you may find something.

Moran: I got a nanny for $275 per week that lived in. It made my crazy career possible while I had a newborn. I was lucky to be able to bring my nanny and child to work during the first 9 months so I could continue to breastfeed and be near her. After that (and until now - she just turned 3) I have stayed home. I am able to share the real formative time with her and have stretched my funds and got my own insurance. Sacrifices have been made, but it is worth it. I knew it would be hard, but totally underestimated it. You need lots of support - hire some of it and if you are lucky, find friends and family that you can swap favors with.

How do you deal with the tiredness of working 40-50 hours per
week and then coming home to doing everything by oneself? I don't want to HAVE to go home to my parents on my days off just to get the extra help. I want to go just to visit but still show everyone I can do it on my own.

I totally see where you are. I was there too, but after three years of this I can tell you it is nearly impossible for you to do it entirely "on your own." Ask for help when you need it. Hire help when you need it. Give yourself a break when you can. Cut your hours back if you can. I was totally a career woman and never thought it would change, but there is not 200% of you to go around. You will definitely want to spend time with your little one. My personal advice - spend as many weeks/months at the beginning with your newborn baby then pick it up again when they are a year or so. I didn't have much of a maternity leave, but found that I was glad to have more time with her from year 1-3 when she is really forming her personality and learning what life is all about. I feel it creates the base she will need to thrive and now she can start pre-school and I can go back to work!!