from Kim, age 40
Like all of you, I have a deep desire to have a child of my own. When I was 36 I went out with a guy for two years who said he DID want a child. When we broke up he said "I always said I didn't want a child!" I know that this is a common story. Anyway, shortly after we broke up I began this journey of `thinking' and through the information on the Choice Moms discussion board realized I can have my dream without a partner.
I have been to a fertility specialist, and had every test under the sun. My fertility health is good. And an ex-boyfriend (whom I have known for 15y) agreed to be my known donor. He is the perfect KD because he lives in another continent (Australia) and has even offered to help with some financial support. Last weekend he visited and we went to a sperm bank together. We are all set to go; his "life-force" is there for me now...waiting for me....I feel so grateful and lucky!!!
And now here is my question. I have done an enormous amount of soul searching....and it's clear to me there is a piece of me that is still "not sure." There are the doubts of course about whether I can practically raise a child by myself -- emotionally, financially -- and the worries about future dating, etc. That's all there. But my real question is about....am I choosing from my heart?
To be frank, I realize that my belief system up until now has been that my life will be complete if I have a baby. In reality I know that it will be very `different' and not necessarily `better'. Because all my energy has been focused on this, I have it in my mind that being a mother is superior to not being a mother. I am very self sufficient, and very successful at `getting it done', and I've pursued this like: here's the problem, and here's how I fix it.
Now that I know being a mother is a very REAL possibility for me, the `urgency' has gone. I can truly and honestly sit with `having a baby' and `not having a baby'. And I'm just `feeling' into that. Feeling into my body and my heart and waiting for something else to arise in me. I am so grateful for this space now because I know I am choosing from a place of deep calm rather than to fill a gap. I still have an overwhelming, overflowing love toward children when I am around them by the way. That has been a constant for me.
I would really love to hear from others that are at this point -- at the edge of not having or having, being a mom or not being a mom. Does this question come up for you too?
I look forward to your responses.
2 years ago....
5 years ago
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9 comments:
Thanks for writing about this! I went through a similar thinking
process only 4 or so hours ago when I was on the way to the clinic
for my very first IUI. I was moderately excited and not all that
nervous, which was a bit of a surprise. I know I want this to happen. But I also felt a bit like the last few months have become all about the "machinery" of the process, and that's where I've been focusing all my attention.
I think I need to give myself space to get caught up again in the "romance" of the process, so that the journey isn't just about BBTs and follicle sizes...
As for the IUI itself, frankly I've found pap tests to be more painful and invasive. It was very smooth. And man was that vial small! Hopefully all those little guys zoomed off in the right direction and made fast friends with my 19mm follicle!!
I am also a thinker, who watched the re-run recently of the Oprah show with donor-conceived kids. It definitely left me with some very conflicted feelings. I wondered and now continue to wonder about whether I am being selfish and if a potential child would be OK without a father?
I know that I could love and care for a child enough for two (even more) people - but is that enough? And yet I know plenty of children who have done more than fine - a student of mine (I teach high school) that graduated this year - single mother - the girl is completely grounded, devoted to her mother and attending Tufts in the fall. Her father is apparently is a jerk and not in the picture, but she knows who he is. I don't know.
I am just a thinker and it made me very sad. So I can relate to this post.
I have had one IUI and am soon to have my second. I still go back and forth about whether I should be doing this or not. I believe that's the curse we may have for being responsible people! I must say, I am less ambivalent now that I've had my first experience. That 2ww really made the whole process seem more real and helped me learn that yes, I did want this. But, there were still moments that I started having doubts. What has helped me, and is still helping me, go forward with this is asking myself how I would feel in the future if I did this or if I didn't do this. For me, it's clear that I would regret not trying to have a child. I hope this helps - good luck!
I had my second thoughts at the next stage -- the two-week waiting period -- which gave me time to slow down and think about what I was doing.
In my humble opinion, the ups and downs are normal and happen to married people, single people, before pregnant, while pregnant. Of course, it's not to say that everybody goes through it, but it's part of every major decision in life.
I hope we also hear from women who changed their mind completely and decided not to have kids. Wouldn't it be great to hear from them and learn how they changed their point of view and why?
I am also in the Thinking stage and I can totally relate to your feelings as you make this decision The one piece of advice I heard that has been the most helpful to me is that just because you have some doubts or worries, that doesn't mean you are making the wrong decision. I am sure that once I do become pregnant, I will have worries and I won't spend my whole pregnancy deliriously happy that I'm finally going to be a mother. But I still know it's what I want to do more than anything in the world.
I don't think there's ever a decision anyone can make that has only positive ramifications and no negatives. There's always a balance. So I don't think it's necessary (or possible) to come to a place where you feel 100% confident in your decision in order to proceed. This really is a leap of faith and you just have to trust in your own abilities and your inner strength to see you through (and it sounds like you've got a lot of that!)
I'm in the thinking stage, too, but I have raised a teenager (in something analogous to a foster care situation) and I think that for many many teenagers, there just will come a time when they are confused, sad and lost. I think it might not be representative of the long term emotional consequence of being a donor child to look at teenagers or even just a small sample of adults. The books about Choice Moms/SMCs take much larger samples of donor conceived adults and don't just look at which ones are sad about it, but also compare the backgrounds of which ones are happy and which ones are not.
Fortunately, for our generation, we get to learn from the women who went before us. I think we have the blessing of a tremendous amount information in order to maximize the potential for happiness of our children, and I can tell you personally that the confused and sad teenager just is what it is.
Good luck with your decision. You should make it soon. Time is not on your side.
Hello, I am in the process right now of deciding I want to be a mother-or rather if now is the right time. I am 34 going on 35 and am exploring my options. Even if it doesn't happen I want to at least have the chance to try. I never even been in a relationship where I felt comfortable enough to have a child with that person.
So, I know I want to have one even if I am on my own. I am currently preparing for that.
I don't know what is right for you, ultimately, since you have your unique own life's journey. But it does sound to me like you have arrived at a great place from which to make the decision. Being able to 'sit with' either option comfortably is wonderful. What a powerful place! That is a huge accomplishment in itself. What a relief that must be.
It is such a monumental and irreversible decision, I can truly understand your anxieties and ambivalence. Perhaps you could just 'follow yourself' to the choice rather than figuring it all out from the brain. You have already done the soul searching, the homework, the research, the thinking. Now it is time to trust yourself. Good luck!
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