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Mikki
2 years ago....
5 years ago
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Monday, May 24, 2010
VISIT THE NEW FORMAT
Note that in February 2010 the ChoiceMoms.org website moved to a more dynamic format that enables us to add daily blogs to the website itself in each category of the Choice Mom journey -- with even more bells and whistles that includes audio clips, sponsor deals, event details and more.
Visit the Thinking section there at:
http://www.choicemoms.org/thinking/2
Mikki
Visit the Thinking section there at:
http://www.choicemoms.org/thinking/2
Mikki
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Why I chose "no" to single motherhood
This is from Shelley, who has opted not to become a Choice Mom. It's so hard to find the voices of those who leave the community, so I am grateful to her for letting me post her story:
I never really wanted to become a single mother by choice but because of the tick tick tick I was felt really pressured to make a decision - yes or no. I had many people pushing me to do it.
I have always been a natural mother and never imagined I would be single in my late 30's facing this AWFUL decision. I had a successful career and dating has been a challenge but I always was sure that my destiny was to be married and have a family and that I just had to trust that it would happen.
At about 38 I decided I had to actually seriously investigate having children by myself so I could forgive myself in the future if I changed my mind. I ordered your book and a few others and read them all cover to cover. I even went online and did a little research into sperm donors. Turns out you can buy some pretty damn impressive sperm, which I have to admit looks like a cakewalk compared to dating and finding a good mate. I felt humiliated and depressed that I would even have to consider this option - look at how many losers are having babies that shouldn't even be moms.
I had looked into freezing my eggs at 37 when it first became available to the public but at that point they were only working with women under 35 - another insult. A few months before turning 39 a friend said 'why don't you freeze your eggs' and I told her it was not available at my age and she challenged that...so I did a little bit of research and found that 45 minutes from my home there was a doctor that would work with me. I did 2 rounds to get 11 eggs and it was the best $20,000 I spent.
This was a huge commitment. I was really going to have children no matter what. I had gone the extra distance and there was NO guarantee that my eggs would work when I wanted to use them. And of course I was still holding hope that I would get to do it the old-fashioned way with the right guy... but I knew when I made that decision that I was totally committed to having a family some way. I still thought that if I did not find a mate by 40 that I would go ahead and have one baby on my own - referring to my frozen eggs and "baby number 2."
But something happened in that year. I had a family trauma come up and I realized that I could not imagine raising children by myself. In the most perfect of times it would be sad and lonely and feel selfish to have put my needs over my child's. But in times of drama or trauma I needed a partner. I knew that I couldn't do it.
I decided that who the father of my children is was the most important thing. That even if I have to do 10 rounds of IVF and then try to use my eggs and then try donor eggs and then on to adoption there are options to have a baby with an amazing man and that my children deserved that.
I am still seeking that man. And, at 41 1/2, the tick tick tick is pretty hard to deal with. It really is like a biological monster sometimes, but I know I made the right decision. Men are so happy to hear about my freezing of my eggs.
I might add to all of this that I lost my biological father to suicide. I have an amazing stepfather, but the loss of a father at an early age makes you realize how hard it is on families to not have a father.
I don't judge anyone for their decision - but for me this is what is right.
I never really wanted to become a single mother by choice but because of the tick tick tick I was felt really pressured to make a decision - yes or no. I had many people pushing me to do it.
I have always been a natural mother and never imagined I would be single in my late 30's facing this AWFUL decision. I had a successful career and dating has been a challenge but I always was sure that my destiny was to be married and have a family and that I just had to trust that it would happen.
At about 38 I decided I had to actually seriously investigate having children by myself so I could forgive myself in the future if I changed my mind. I ordered your book and a few others and read them all cover to cover. I even went online and did a little research into sperm donors. Turns out you can buy some pretty damn impressive sperm, which I have to admit looks like a cakewalk compared to dating and finding a good mate. I felt humiliated and depressed that I would even have to consider this option - look at how many losers are having babies that shouldn't even be moms.
I had looked into freezing my eggs at 37 when it first became available to the public but at that point they were only working with women under 35 - another insult. A few months before turning 39 a friend said 'why don't you freeze your eggs' and I told her it was not available at my age and she challenged that...so I did a little bit of research and found that 45 minutes from my home there was a doctor that would work with me. I did 2 rounds to get 11 eggs and it was the best $20,000 I spent.
This was a huge commitment. I was really going to have children no matter what. I had gone the extra distance and there was NO guarantee that my eggs would work when I wanted to use them. And of course I was still holding hope that I would get to do it the old-fashioned way with the right guy... but I knew when I made that decision that I was totally committed to having a family some way. I still thought that if I did not find a mate by 40 that I would go ahead and have one baby on my own - referring to my frozen eggs and "baby number 2."
But something happened in that year. I had a family trauma come up and I realized that I could not imagine raising children by myself. In the most perfect of times it would be sad and lonely and feel selfish to have put my needs over my child's. But in times of drama or trauma I needed a partner. I knew that I couldn't do it.
I decided that who the father of my children is was the most important thing. That even if I have to do 10 rounds of IVF and then try to use my eggs and then try donor eggs and then on to adoption there are options to have a baby with an amazing man and that my children deserved that.
I am still seeking that man. And, at 41 1/2, the tick tick tick is pretty hard to deal with. It really is like a biological monster sometimes, but I know I made the right decision. Men are so happy to hear about my freezing of my eggs.
I might add to all of this that I lost my biological father to suicide. I have an amazing stepfather, but the loss of a father at an early age makes you realize how hard it is on families to not have a father.
I don't judge anyone for their decision - but for me this is what is right.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Jealousy and judgment during the holidays
The holidays can be a heightened time to feel jealousy about other lives around you, or judgment from family members who don't approve of single parenting. Judgment and jealousy is the topic of the "Choosing Single Motherhood" radio show that goes online December 6. And it's a topic showing up on the Choice Mom discussion board these days.
One woman posted about her emotions -- wishing she had more of what she saw others with, including wishing she didn't have to be Thinking about Choice Motherhood. Here are a few responses to her post.
Including one from Heather, age 36:
My ex-boyfriend and I broke up this past February after 4 1/2 years together. He led me to believe that there would be a proposal and children coming soon so I kept hanging on. I felt incredibly angry that I was in this situation, but I directed a lot of the anger towards him. I was miserable and very depressed until I started looking into my options about becoming a single mother by choice. I was in the thinking stage for about 6 months as I worked on mourning the relationship. I actually had a rougher time being around pregnant woman before my break-up because it felt like having a child was so far away. After I started thinking about trying to conceive, I felt like I had this big opportunity that I never thought of before. Now, as I'm TTC I feel more jealous when I see families together or happily married couples (my neighbor just got married and I caught myself thinking for about a half an hour "Why isn't that me?"). I'm trying to focus on the thing that I really want now, which is a baby, and the jealousy/anger of my relationship ending is subsiding because I feel like I'm doing something about my future.
Wrote Lori:
I think what you're feeling is very normal, and part of the process of grieving over the loss of "the dream." I'm still in the thinking stage too, but the biggest hurdle for me is financial. I have my dream job as a biologist, but the paycheck is not steady and the jobs are intermittent (I'm a contractor) and I'm having trouble letting that go to have a child (I know it wouldn't be fair to the child to have such an unstable life). My biggest frustration is that I feel like I have to choose between a career I love in order to have a baby and I'm not ready to do that. Luckily, though I'd love to have a biological child, I find the idea of adoption as rewarding as having a biological child, so I don't have a biological clock clanging in my head. I feel like, if I were to have a baby now, it would be because I'm running out of time and that's just not a good enough reason for me.
My neighbour is very pregnant, due any day now and my brother and his wife are expecting twins in the spring. It seems like I really notice pregnant women now like I never did before, though I can't say I have trouble being around them. I've noticed that my internal dialogue with myself is often a fantasy of becoming a single mother, rather than meeting Mr. Right. It's like I've given up on Mr. Right at 34. I like the idea of a healthy, happy relationship - and I know plenty of people in one (and plenty of people in an unhealthy and miserable relationship) - but I can't seem to find it or make it happen so I've felt like I've sort of moved on and am creating my new dream. It helps me feel like I have more control of my life, whether it's true or not!
When I'm confused about something, I usually ask myself what I really want to do if I felt no one would judge my choice and if it was possible. Then I think of the steps it would take to get me there and I do it one step at a time. Ask yourself what's important to you in the big picture. Is it the lack of knowing how supportive your family would be? I know that my mother would be very upset if she knew I was thinking of having a baby on my own - but I also know she would love that baby like no other once the baby arrived. I find that once I've committed to something and believe in myself, no one can really derail me because I've already thought about all their arguments against it. Where I get frustrated is when I haven't completely made up my mind.
I hope this helps - if it didn't really help, just know that there are thinkers on this list who feel pretty stuck and sometimes frustrated too.
What about you? What emotions are you feeling this holiday season?
One woman posted about her emotions -- wishing she had more of what she saw others with, including wishing she didn't have to be Thinking about Choice Motherhood. Here are a few responses to her post.
Including one from Heather, age 36:
My ex-boyfriend and I broke up this past February after 4 1/2 years together. He led me to believe that there would be a proposal and children coming soon so I kept hanging on. I felt incredibly angry that I was in this situation, but I directed a lot of the anger towards him. I was miserable and very depressed until I started looking into my options about becoming a single mother by choice. I was in the thinking stage for about 6 months as I worked on mourning the relationship. I actually had a rougher time being around pregnant woman before my break-up because it felt like having a child was so far away. After I started thinking about trying to conceive, I felt like I had this big opportunity that I never thought of before. Now, as I'm TTC I feel more jealous when I see families together or happily married couples (my neighbor just got married and I caught myself thinking for about a half an hour "Why isn't that me?"). I'm trying to focus on the thing that I really want now, which is a baby, and the jealousy/anger of my relationship ending is subsiding because I feel like I'm doing something about my future.
Wrote Lori:
I think what you're feeling is very normal, and part of the process of grieving over the loss of "the dream." I'm still in the thinking stage too, but the biggest hurdle for me is financial. I have my dream job as a biologist, but the paycheck is not steady and the jobs are intermittent (I'm a contractor) and I'm having trouble letting that go to have a child (I know it wouldn't be fair to the child to have such an unstable life). My biggest frustration is that I feel like I have to choose between a career I love in order to have a baby and I'm not ready to do that. Luckily, though I'd love to have a biological child, I find the idea of adoption as rewarding as having a biological child, so I don't have a biological clock clanging in my head. I feel like, if I were to have a baby now, it would be because I'm running out of time and that's just not a good enough reason for me.
My neighbour is very pregnant, due any day now and my brother and his wife are expecting twins in the spring. It seems like I really notice pregnant women now like I never did before, though I can't say I have trouble being around them. I've noticed that my internal dialogue with myself is often a fantasy of becoming a single mother, rather than meeting Mr. Right. It's like I've given up on Mr. Right at 34. I like the idea of a healthy, happy relationship - and I know plenty of people in one (and plenty of people in an unhealthy and miserable relationship) - but I can't seem to find it or make it happen so I've felt like I've sort of moved on and am creating my new dream. It helps me feel like I have more control of my life, whether it's true or not!
When I'm confused about something, I usually ask myself what I really want to do if I felt no one would judge my choice and if it was possible. Then I think of the steps it would take to get me there and I do it one step at a time. Ask yourself what's important to you in the big picture. Is it the lack of knowing how supportive your family would be? I know that my mother would be very upset if she knew I was thinking of having a baby on my own - but I also know she would love that baby like no other once the baby arrived. I find that once I've committed to something and believe in myself, no one can really derail me because I've already thought about all their arguments against it. Where I get frustrated is when I haven't completely made up my mind.
I hope this helps - if it didn't really help, just know that there are thinkers on this list who feel pretty stuck and sometimes frustrated too.
What about you? What emotions are you feeling this holiday season?
Monday, October 12, 2009
We don't need the guy to chop down trees
There was some great insight on the Choice Mom discussion board today, in response to a few women who are struggling with mixed feelings about embarking on the Choice Mom journey. One woman, in fact, suggested that taking this step makes her feel like a failure for not being able to find a partner and a second parent for her future child. To this, Caroline, who gave me permission to reprint here, responded:
I wouldn't look at it like a failure that you can't meet someone good enough, but as a testimonial to you as a successful and independent woman that you've got higher expectations and are not willing to settle for just anyone. (Almost) ANYONE can meet someone to marry and have kids with. But that's not our goal.
The CEO of a Fortune 500 company does not consider it a failure on his part (or his company's part) that most applicants who apply do not meet their criteria and are therefore rejected. So why should you (or I) for finding a mate? At least companies can layoff and fire employees if they don't work out. We can't. If we have a child with this person, we're tied to them for life.
Frankly, because women have gained more rights and have been allowed to compete equally with their male counterparts in the past few decades, I'm not the least surprised that we've reached this point where Choice Motherhood/SMC is a viable and healthy option and even a preferred route for many women.
Traditionally, women needed the guy to have a family, to help manage the house and life, just like they've needed the dozen kids to tend to the fields. But lifestyles and opportunities have obviously changed. We don't need the dozen kids and we don't need the guy to chop down the trees.
And when you're down, google "divorce rates" or "divorce custody fights."
I wouldn't look at it like a failure that you can't meet someone good enough, but as a testimonial to you as a successful and independent woman that you've got higher expectations and are not willing to settle for just anyone. (Almost) ANYONE can meet someone to marry and have kids with. But that's not our goal.
The CEO of a Fortune 500 company does not consider it a failure on his part (or his company's part) that most applicants who apply do not meet their criteria and are therefore rejected. So why should you (or I) for finding a mate? At least companies can layoff and fire employees if they don't work out. We can't. If we have a child with this person, we're tied to them for life.
Frankly, because women have gained more rights and have been allowed to compete equally with their male counterparts in the past few decades, I'm not the least surprised that we've reached this point where Choice Motherhood/SMC is a viable and healthy option and even a preferred route for many women.
Traditionally, women needed the guy to have a family, to help manage the house and life, just like they've needed the dozen kids to tend to the fields. But lifestyles and opportunities have obviously changed. We don't need the dozen kids and we don't need the guy to chop down the trees.
And when you're down, google "divorce rates" or "divorce custody fights."
Monday, September 21, 2009
Give up a relationship?
Nothing can be harder for many women than deciding whether to give up a relationship with someone who doesn't want children in order to become a Choice Mom. Many women are coming to the Choice Mom discussion board with just that situation. Here's one of those stories, with her query about how other women in this situation have decided whether a relationship or a child was ultimately most important to her.
I'm 32, new here and awfully glad I found this group! Three years ago, I fell for this amazing guy. He has two kids from a previous relationship and was perfectly positive that he didn't want any more, so he had a vasectomy. I never thought I would have my own kids so we started this wonderful story together.
About a year ago, baby thoughts started to creep up on me. I pushed them away, freaking myself out each time. Recently, my boyfriend and I discussed buying a house together and I find myself torn. I don't know if I want a baby. So I asked him what would happen if I was to want one in a couple of years (even if I was to have it on my own, with donor).
It came down to this: You want a baby, I can't live through that again, so I would understand your need to move on without me; OR you need to be sure that you are okay with the fact that if we build our life together, we won't have a baby in the house, ever.
I never imagined having those baby thoughts when we first started dating. After searching for "the one," I found him. Now, I have to decide between my "one" or a baby that I'm not 100 percent that I want yet (still on the fence).
I have a hard time picturing my life with a baby, but I also can't really picture it without. How did you women know that you truly wanted a baby?
I'm 32, new here and awfully glad I found this group! Three years ago, I fell for this amazing guy. He has two kids from a previous relationship and was perfectly positive that he didn't want any more, so he had a vasectomy. I never thought I would have my own kids so we started this wonderful story together.
About a year ago, baby thoughts started to creep up on me. I pushed them away, freaking myself out each time. Recently, my boyfriend and I discussed buying a house together and I find myself torn. I don't know if I want a baby. So I asked him what would happen if I was to want one in a couple of years (even if I was to have it on my own, with donor).
It came down to this: You want a baby, I can't live through that again, so I would understand your need to move on without me; OR you need to be sure that you are okay with the fact that if we build our life together, we won't have a baby in the house, ever.
I never imagined having those baby thoughts when we first started dating. After searching for "the one," I found him. Now, I have to decide between my "one" or a baby that I'm not 100 percent that I want yet (still on the fence).
I have a hard time picturing my life with a baby, but I also can't really picture it without. How did you women know that you truly wanted a baby?
Thursday, June 4, 2009
From vacillating thinker to elated tryer...
submitted by Susan
I joined the Choice Mom discussion board several months ago and was in the thinking stage. I am now about to start trying. I started my initial workups last December then stopped to date some more and now I am back.
For those that are in the thinking stage, one thing I wish I'd done was written down all the things I was feeling and worried about. Because honestly, now I can't remember what they were...I just remember it being a good six months of angst and anxiety and depression. Is it just me, but have other tryers gotten this serene, peaceful feeling after you've made this decision? After I decided this (and it stuck) everything else kind of lock-stepped into place. It's almost like you stop fighting the universe and everything starts to make sense.
Honestly, I think this is the greatest idea since sliced bread. I am so happy. I get to decide when to get pregnant (hopefully it will work!). I get to decide how to decorate the nursery, how to set up the college fund, what to name the baby, etc. I think it's so...cool.
For whatever reason that sense of loss about "I don't have this guy in my life" is replaced by this sense of happiness. Maybe it's that I'm taking control of my life and putting me first. Not sure. But in any case, I'm so excited (in a terrified, life-changing kind of way).
My period is supposed to start today (never have I wanted one so much!) and then they start me on Clomid because I have a 21-23 day cycle and they want to even it out. So, here's hoping.
Now that I'm at this stage I'm just so happy. I never expected this to feel so rock solid right. I was someone who vacillated back and forth between "no way" and "this is my only option" for a good six months (and before that I thought about it "lightly" for a good year).
One thing I may add is that I completely expect to panic a little when I get the BFP. My sister, who wanted kids since birth and took two years to get pregnant, said she did. I think it's a natural reaction to any life-changing event.
What about anyone else out there? Does it just feel rock solid right?
In some weird way, this feels like it was meant to be.
I joined the Choice Mom discussion board several months ago and was in the thinking stage. I am now about to start trying. I started my initial workups last December then stopped to date some more and now I am back.
For those that are in the thinking stage, one thing I wish I'd done was written down all the things I was feeling and worried about. Because honestly, now I can't remember what they were...I just remember it being a good six months of angst and anxiety and depression. Is it just me, but have other tryers gotten this serene, peaceful feeling after you've made this decision? After I decided this (and it stuck) everything else kind of lock-stepped into place. It's almost like you stop fighting the universe and everything starts to make sense.
Honestly, I think this is the greatest idea since sliced bread. I am so happy. I get to decide when to get pregnant (hopefully it will work!). I get to decide how to decorate the nursery, how to set up the college fund, what to name the baby, etc. I think it's so...cool.
For whatever reason that sense of loss about "I don't have this guy in my life" is replaced by this sense of happiness. Maybe it's that I'm taking control of my life and putting me first. Not sure. But in any case, I'm so excited (in a terrified, life-changing kind of way).
My period is supposed to start today (never have I wanted one so much!) and then they start me on Clomid because I have a 21-23 day cycle and they want to even it out. So, here's hoping.
Now that I'm at this stage I'm just so happy. I never expected this to feel so rock solid right. I was someone who vacillated back and forth between "no way" and "this is my only option" for a good six months (and before that I thought about it "lightly" for a good year).
One thing I may add is that I completely expect to panic a little when I get the BFP. My sister, who wanted kids since birth and took two years to get pregnant, said she did. I think it's a natural reaction to any life-changing event.
What about anyone else out there? Does it just feel rock solid right?
In some weird way, this feels like it was meant to be.
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