We don't need the guy to chop down trees

There was some great insight on the Choice Mom discussion board today, in response to a few women who are struggling with mixed feelings about embarking on the Choice Mom journey. One woman, in fact, suggested that taking this step makes her feel like a failure for not being able to find a partner and a second parent for her future child. To this, Caroline, who gave me permission to reprint here, responded:


I wouldn't look at it like a failure that you can't meet someone good enough, but as a testimonial to you as a successful and independent woman that you've got higher expectations and are not willing to settle for just anyone. (Almost) ANYONE can meet someone to marry and have kids with. But that's not our goal.

The CEO of a Fortune 500 company does not consider it a failure on his part (or his company's part) that most applicants who apply do not meet their criteria and are therefore rejected. So why should you (or I) for finding a mate? At least companies can layoff and fire employees if they don't work out. We can't. If we have a child with this person, we're tied to them for life.

Frankly, because women have gained more rights and have been allowed to compete equally with their male counterparts in the past few decades, I'm not the least surprised that we've reached this point where Choice Motherhood/SMC is a viable and healthy option and even a preferred route for many women.

Traditionally, women needed the guy to have a family, to help manage the house and life, just like they've needed the dozen kids to tend to the fields. But lifestyles and opportunities have obviously changed. We don't need the dozen kids and we don't need the guy to chop down the trees.

And when you're down, google "divorce rates" or "divorce custody fights."

Give up a relationship?

Nothing can be harder for many women than deciding whether to give up a relationship with someone who doesn't want children in order to become a Choice Mom. Many women are coming to the Choice Mom discussion board with just that situation. Here's one of those stories, with her query about how other women in this situation have decided whether a relationship or a child was ultimately most important to her.

I'm 32, new here and awfully glad I found this group! Three years ago, I fell for this amazing guy. He has two kids from a previous relationship and was perfectly positive that he didn't want any more, so he had a vasectomy. I never thought I would have my own kids so we started this wonderful story together.

About a year ago, baby thoughts started to creep up on me. I pushed them away, freaking myself out each time. Recently, my boyfriend and I discussed buying a house together and I find myself torn. I don't know if I want a baby. So I asked him what would happen if I was to want one in a couple of years (even if I was to have it on my own, with donor).

It came down to this: You want a baby, I can't live through that again, so I would understand your need to move on without me; OR you need to be sure that you are okay with the fact that if we build our life together, we won't have a baby in the house, ever.

I never imagined having those baby thoughts when we first started dating. After searching for "the one," I found him. Now, I have to decide between my "one" or a baby that I'm not 100 percent that I want yet (still on the fence).

I have a hard time picturing my life with a baby, but I also can't really picture it without. How did you women know that you truly wanted a baby?

From vacillating thinker to elated tryer...

submitted by Susan

I joined the Choice Mom discussion board several months ago and was in the thinking stage. I am now about to start trying. I started my initial workups last December then stopped to date some more and now I am back.

For those that are in the thinking stage, one thing I wish I'd done was written down all the things I was feeling and worried about. Because honestly, now I can't remember what they were...I just remember it being a good six months of angst and anxiety and depression. Is it just me, but have other tryers gotten this serene, peaceful feeling after you've made this decision? After I decided this (and it stuck) everything else kind of lock-stepped into place. It's almost like you stop fighting the universe and everything starts to make sense.

Honestly, I think this is the greatest idea since sliced bread. I am so happy. I get to decide when to get pregnant (hopefully it will work!). I get to decide how to decorate the nursery, how to set up the college fund, what to name the baby, etc. I think it's so...cool.

For whatever reason that sense of loss about "I don't have this guy in my life" is replaced by this sense of happiness. Maybe it's that I'm taking control of my life and putting me first. Not sure. But in any case, I'm so excited (in a terrified, life-changing kind of way).

My period is supposed to start today (never have I wanted one so much!) and then they start me on Clomid because I have a 21-23 day cycle and they want to even it out. So, here's hoping.

Now that I'm at this stage I'm just so happy. I never expected this to feel so rock solid right. I was someone who vacillated back and forth between "no way" and "this is my only option" for a good six months (and before that I thought about it "lightly" for a good year).

One thing I may add is that I completely expect to panic a little when I get the BFP. My sister, who wanted kids since birth and took two years to get pregnant, said she did. I think it's a natural reaction to any life-changing event.

What about anyone else out there? Does it just feel rock solid right?
In some weird way, this feels like it was meant to be.

My Unanswered Question

submitted by Marynell

It is so strange that I have now reached an age where having a baby remains on my mind so often. I can’t remember ever not planning to have children. I had baby dolls, teddy bears, and puppies who were my surrogate children. My favorite toys were my Sunshine Fun Family. They were exactly what I wanted and did not have: mom, dad, two cute kids. It's still what I want and sadly do not have.

In college, I was thinking of dates and degrees. A family was for someday. When I married, I really thought that someday was almost here, but my husband said someday was still further away. Then I got pregnant and quickly miscarried. At the time mixed with the sorrow was a relief: we weren’t ready. How many times had he said that? I was still developing my career and after all, we had plenty of time.

Then he left. I was thirty and starting over. Grieving my marriage, I still wasn’t quite frantic yet; after all I still had plenty of time. I hoped that I’d meet someone new and fall madly in love. We’d get married and have a houseful of children (it’s amazing how that number has changed depending on the situation over the years).

It’s been eight years and there’s still no one new. I constantly hear the tick-tock of that loud metaphorical clock. It says I no longer have plenty of time. I find myself constantly researching “options.” I know what I want: a child. What is the best way?

I have found sperm banks and browsed their donor lists. I have contacted an infertility clinic about artificial insemination, such a yucky term. I have read endlessly about adoption.

I am torn. I want a child; I want a husband; I want a family. Of these three, the one I feel the least compelled about and have the least control over is the husband. I do not think I will ever feel complete if I do not have a child to call me “Mama.” The very thought cuts to the very essence of who I am.

I do not know which way to go.

I used to only think about adoption. I knew that there were so many unwanted children in the world. Wouldn't a one-parent home be better than having no parents? I have so much to offer this un-parented child: a safe home, plenty of love and dedication, and my intense desire to parent.

I know that I could love a child not biologically my own, but would I later regret not having the experience? The thoughts circle endlessly around my head.

I could adopt later if I chose, but sadly, there will probably not be a later for a biological child. Now that I am almost out of time, I cannot get the idea out of my head. I want to be pregnant! I desperately want to feel a little person growing inside me. I want to name someone. It’s not really the desire to pass my genetic material forward but to be there from the beginning with someone -- highly unlikely in a single-parent adoption.

Where did all of these thoughts come from? They were hiding somewhere for a while, but they came creeping back as my 38th birthday approached. Now they are constantly with me. I feel so confused and torn. I want both and truly fear having neither.

I try to go on with my life and only share these thoughts and questions with close friends. I get widely divergent advice from these friends. Each has his or her own view of what is right. So I am no further than six months ago. To procreate or not procreate? That is my very personal question, but I still do not have an answer.

Unwed is not the same as Unprepared

The Choice Mom board recently had a discussion about how a CNN article recently described us as "unwed." Some women didn't particularly like the term, since it implies a lack that we don't all feel. Like saying someone is un-blonde, instead of brunette. Some wondered, why not simply call us single, without implying that we're supposed to be something else? Here's one response to the thread from Pamela, 39.


I so agree with the neg. tone of 'unwed.' Funny how technically at the moment I'm a spinster! Single mom, I'm okay with that, but there are so many ways to become a single mom and each road has different social acceptance and different levels of sympathy or in some cases stigmas. I personally prefer to look at it this way:

I was raised being told I could do anything, and though the road was often more challenging as a woman, the road was not blocked (for the most part). The rewards along the way for milestones achieved are still less than my male counterparts, but I'm allowed to walk a road my grandmother was forbidden to travel. I was raised to be independent in thought and action. I was encouraged to follow my dreams and let my spirit guide me. Attending college was not an option -- it was expected, and I was the first woman on both sides of the family to obtain a degree. I am a confident, successful, smart, good-looking woman who by popular belief must by 'broken' in some way as I haven't found a man to marry.

No, I'm not broken, I'm not wounded, I'm not needy. I am the product of a generation of women who were raised believing the world was their oyster. A generation of independent, confident women that society shaped and formed, while forgetting that the boys they were raising alongside these amazing smart and talented girls were not being raised much differently than their fathers -- and when these boys became men and they looked for their mates, they saw women who did not fit the qualities they were programmed to look for in a wife. They saw qualities to pass over.

So am I broken or is it that lens in which men view me that has been curved incorrectly, such that the beauty of an independent woman is not seen? Society shaped me, encouraged career development and beliefs that I could have it all -- career and family. Yet when I achieve career, and family is nowhere to be found, and I pore as much effort into finding a man as I did into my career, I'm still left empty handed. Yet, I view the lack of a man as yet another obstacle in the long journey of my life and begin to develop a work-around. Donor insemination to the rescue, something that's been kept in the closet for unfortunate couples having issues with fertility is now my saving grace.

I like thinking of myself as going down the road towards being an independent mom, because I do not plan to be dependent on social assistance. Save it for the single, UNwed mothers who are UNemployed/UNderemployed and UNable to provide for their children/self and Dependent on others for their needs.

I may be single and thus unwed as I approach motherhood, but I am also independent and will be an independent mom!

In hindsight, what would you do differently?

A 40-year-old woman, new to the Choice Mom discussion board, said it was time for her to make a conscious decision about her future instead of letting nature decide. She had read "Choosing Single Motherhood," taken the Clomid challenge, and was still wrestling with whether she could possibly raise a baby on her own. She asked: "For all of you who have been through the Thinking stage already, what are the top three things you wish you would have known or done while you were in your decision-making process?"

Many of the answers were the same, which is worth pointing out here:

Said one woman: "I wish I would have started SOONER! I was stuck in my ambivalence phase for so long that I let YEARS go by. Precious, precious years that could have resulted in an easier time getting pregnant. Now I am 42 and on my second IVF cycle....waiting to see what will happen. So yeah, SOONER. For example, back in May I went to my clinic and made my decision to try but I didn't actually do the first cycle until November. I should have done it right away. And more specifically, I wish I'd tried getting pregnant say 3 years ago when my eggs were probably a lot more viable. So, my advice is: DO IT NOW!"

Replied Cathi: 1) I wish I would have gotten healthier (lost weight, been in better shape, made better food choices) before conceiving. 2) I wish I would have saved more money. I did pretty well at paying off student loans and my car, but I still blew a lot, especially on setting up the nursery. I should have used Craigslist more for baby stuff, and not bought 1/10 of the baby clothes I did in my excitement! 3) I wish I'd relaxed and enjoyed the pregnancy more. I had a lot of stress going on with my living situation at the time (I moved when I was 7 1/2 months pregnant), and spent a lot of nights in the tub sobbing with worry and maybe a little self-pity. I wish I could've been more grateful that I was healthy and expecting a baby instead of stressed about money and caregivers and my boss and not having a partner and where I was going to live!

For me, I didn't wish I'd done it sooner - this was the right time for me, and I was at the right place in my life with work and family etc.

Said Jeanne: "I will be 41 this week and started this whole process a few days before I turned 40. I've had 4 IUI's with AD, resulting in one chemical pregnancy and one pregnancy that miscarried at 12 weeks. I wish I had: started earlier; not worried so much about choosing the "perfect" donor; and not worried about what others might think or say. The things that seemed so important to me at the beginning of the journey really aren't as important anymore. All that matters now is getting and staying pregnant! Good luck on your journey!

Said one 42-year-old: 1) I wish I would have started motherhood earlier. 2) I wish I would have NOT gotten married to Mr. Wrong ‘under the influence’ of the biological clock. (which ended up inflicting custody hell on my son). 3) I wish I were younger and financially better off, so I could have one more child.

Said Denise: 1. I wish I would have NOT married my ex-husband. 2. I wish I would have met my real soulmate several years ago and had kids with him and/or I wish I would have become an SMC years ago. 3. I wish I would have won a lottery.

Said Sharon: I wish I had started ttc when I started thinking - when I was 30. Instead I waited for Mr. Right. Bad decision. Now I'm 36 and wishing I had started a long time ago. I didn't realize how long it would take for me to get pregnant.

Said the Choice Mom of a toddler: I wish I would have started earlier. I wish I would have started T42 earlier. I wish I would have known how little I'd miss my freedom -- I'd been really worried about that, but it's not that big of a deal. I wish I would have had a laundry tub when she was a baby! Honest to god they poop all over everything when they are little.

Speaking from experience...let yourself doubt

submitted by Lily, the Choice Mom of one, at my request....because I think we have plentiful advice and insight that tells us this is a great step to take, and need to also hear from women about why it might not be the right choice for everyone:

When Mikki asked me to write this blog, I thought it would be easy. However, just like the choice I made, it's not at all. I'm not sure how to say what I want to say without appearing hostile, dejected, or down on motherhood. I just really want to make sure that those who are thinking about this choice do their darndest to be honest with themselves.

I always feel a bit obligated to bring up the other side of the coin in discussions with Thinkers and Choice Moms, not because I think I did the wrong thing, but we're under so much pressure to not show any weakness or doubt about what we've done. We can worry that we might give those who don't like what we did ammunition. Or we feel like we have no right to complain because we chose to do this, and to say you have reservations opens us up to "I told you so's" or proof we were wrong somehow.

I openly call what I did "Plan B" and don't pretend to myself or anyone else that I see this as the pinnacle of motherhood. I still think kids are better off in two-parent homes in an ideal world. But as is evident by my choice, I just don't think that ANY two parents are better than just one. There are more screwed up families out there than I can count because of that idea.

I am now the mother to a wonderful little boy. Despite that, I'm still not sure I did the right thing for me. I never ever wanted to do this alone, but felt forced into it by circumstances -- the calculus that I saw at the time was "by holding out for what I really want, I'm very likely to end up with nothing. Let's do something."

I had to go down fighting. I suspect I have a harder time dealing with the choice because I know I still harbor some resentment at the universe, or fate, or whatever, that it came down to this. I understand that I have to let some of the anger go. And, while I'm making a lot of progress, it's not always a linear progression and it can crop up from time to time.

I know I had to give up the dream (possibly for now, possibly forever) of having a "family." I know many Choice Moms -- and other single parents -- consider themselves and a child a family, but in my mind a family involves a companion relationship for me as well.

I'm an only child, which I did not like. And I am rather concerned that my son will have even less of a family than I have (and mine is small), with no aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings, etc. I really would have liked him connected to a larger family unit than we've got.

I also wanted to have a real 'grown-up life," with companionship, children, and a different experience than I have as a single person. I've been independent, organized, stable, and together my whole life. I know darn well I don't need anyone to take care of me. But just once in a while I'd like to not be stepping out there alone and taking care of everything.

So for all of you Thinkers, be mindful of being realistic about what you really want.

I knew I didn't want to do this alone, but I rationalized it away. My son is wonderful, but I was right that he alone doesn't fill the entire void. The void seems even deeper when you're sleep-deprived and realize there's no change on the horizon for years.

I know some single parents do find a way to meet people and date, but I don't think I will be one of them. If I couldn't do a good job of it when I didn't have a child, it's unlikely that I'll figure it out anytime soon. For me, "hard" I can do, no problem. Things need to be done, a mother needs to be responsible -- that's like falling off a log. You just do it.

It's "lonely" that gets me. The Boy is great, but if I spend one more freezing weekend in this house, with no one to talk to, nowhere to go, and no visitors, I'm selling him to the circus.

Also Thinkers -- if your communities are small and you don't have a lot of people in your life now, don't count on having a child changing it, or having people magically appear to help you out. You will be as a mother the same person you've always been, just with a child. Make sure you really are okay with that. If you're not someone who has 'transformative experiences,' don't expect this one will automatically do the trick. It may, but it may not.

I'm the person I always was, living the life I always led, just with a child. It's not a bad life by any means. But you need to be sure that you are okay if your journey ends with your same life, with the addition of a child.

Someone asked me if I would do this again. I still don't know. I get a little nervous about answering that question because I don't ever want my son to feel that I resent him, don't want him, don't love him, or any of that. That's simply not true.

On many levels, I think he's the one who's gotten the raw deal. He's the best little boy in the world (no, really :-). We're going to be just fine, and most likely better off than many around us.

I wrote my son a letter before he was born, and one thing I put in it was to reassure him that he was one of the last things left that I wanted to do. I'd traveled, had exciting jobs, lived abroad, etc. I could continue to do all those things again, but on many levels he was the last great uncharted adventure.

If that's not where you are when you make this choice, you have to figure out whether not doing those other things will eat at you.

I'm not trying to discourage anyone. I just want Thinkers to realize there's nothing wrong with you if you can't quite tell yourself that this is the best way to have children, or if you feel that this is Plan B.

It's okay to be angry -- although if all you have is anger, you may not be ready.

Don't apologize or get defensive if you make this choice. But it's also okay to not go out and evangelize Choice Motherhood either.

At the end of the day, it's no one's decision but yours.