This common query from Emily, who welcomes our comments and responses here.
I travel for work at least once a month. Sometimes I'm away from the Bay Area for a week at a time, and the voyage isn't an easy one - often grappling with O'Hare, weather delays, difficult connections, and then sitting in the middle seat when I get stuffed onto a flight I was wait-listed for, catching every flu and cold in the nation between November and June.
I'm getting ahead of myself. With each of these scenes now, I'm imagining the kid. Would I take you with me? Where and with whom would I leave you if I didn't? I can't even conceive of leaving you in someone else's care overnight. And if I did that, how would I pay for it? The issues explode in every direction.
This reminds me of my mom's story, c. 1978, we were leaving my father - or rather, I suppose he had left us. She took me out to lunch - I was 3 or so - to tell me he wasn't going to be living with us anymore and we were going to be moving. As she tells it, my eyes filled with tears and I replied, "but I can't carry all my stuff!" She assured me we would be getting movers, and apparently that solved my immediate concerns.
At the same time that I wrestle with the mammoth decisions - to do this now or wait?, and how to inseminate - I feel this old tug of the details. How will I carry everything? Groceries and a stroller, luggage and baby dashing through O'Hare, a car rental at the airport and a child seat that isn't mine... or would I bring one? Or again, would I leave the baby at home? How does this work?
Here's the big one: what will having a baby on my own do to my work? Will I be able to perform as well if I can't just jump on a plane with a week's notice? Can I refuse to travel for 6 months... or a year? If I leave the baby with someone, will it be okay and how could I possibly do that? Will I have to work harder to compensate for not traveling as much? Will they punish me for choosing to do this on my own? How much will be too much to ask?
I often console myself with the thought that having a baby now is what I need to do and the rest will work itself out. I'm actually clear on this in my heart, when I'm not overwhelmed by the details and unknowns. I worry about the finances, but not as much as I worry about these logistics of balancing a baby and work... and the torn feelings I know I'll have when I have to be away more than I'd like.
One of my dearest wishes is to find a community of women I can trust... I dream about a warm web of support. It's my biggest comfort to imagine that there might be a number of us both in the area where I live and online, who can offer a hand, a reference, advice, and a safety net to help each other out in ways even our mothers might not have experienced a generation ago.
When my mom tells me about the early days with my father, it doesn't sound like she had much help. She was lucky when I was older to be remarried to a man who was home with me when she traveled for a week at a time. Apparently things have a way of working out...
Mikki's note: Welcome Emily, to the website and the discussion group, where you will indeed find the warm web of support you are looking for. You will undoubtedly start to get some of the feedback you are looking for as you plan your journey.
How do you feel?
6 years ago
Posts
3 comments:
Hey, I became a single Mom by choice at 42, after having a child when I was married in my thirties. I used to travel for work several times per year, but after the first child that dropped to once a year and now with the second, the one I've had on my own, I have yet to go away for overnight business travel. She is going on five and I am now planning to take her to a convention/conference that has onsite childcare. Fortunately I had the option in my career of "cooling it" for a few years. Now I am more ready to either take her with me or leave her with a family friend for two days. If you want a child, I say go for it and you will work things out day-to-day. Of course I have never regretted it!
It will all work out. If you really want to become a mom..do it! I became a mom at 38 after trying for nearly 2 years. I'm now almost 40 and recently just lost #2...may or may not try again?? I used to travel up to 50% of the time for my job. After 7 years with my company, I was able to cut back on my job and work 4 days per week for the first 18 months of my son's life. I still traveled about 4-5 times a year for 1-4 days at a time. My parents watched my son...or when my mom had surgery, my son's babysitter was only too happy to keep my son overnight for 3 nights...even with a nasty case of the flu! Her family has become our extended family. It's true...people will come out of the woodwork when you have a child and they will help you in ways you never could have imagined. Gor for it! And all will work out...but be open to any and all help. Good luck!
Oh My GOD! Thank you!
You sound just like me. I too have this kind of work life right now, actually for me moving to once a month is a huge change. I am currently moving to a role that is once a month only, but for the last two years it has been weekly. The airport is not a fun place and the idea of dragging my child through it doesn't help to make it sound any better. The same is true for catching all the flu's and colds....so here is what I plan to do....
Focus on the stuff I can handle, that means use anti-bacterial hand gel in the airports, drive to whatever destinations I can, means it takes longer, but I have the ability to make more frequent stops, and build a really strong family/friends ties that can help me through.
The main thing I want to remember everyday that I try is that although I really love my job, I know I am going to love my child more.
I am so sorry that I am not in the same area as you, I would love to get to know someone in the same position as me with whom I can share this.
It will work out, trust that. Best of luck and enjoy it all!
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