Have I Waited Long Enough?

A woman on the Choice Mom discussion board introduced herself recently. She was 35, had been dating, but didn't find a partner interested in marriage and children, so she decided to move ahead to try to conceive on her own before it was too late or too expensive. She chose a doctor, an open-identity donor, and was weeks away from her first insemination. She read the right books, accepted the drawbacks to her method to motherhood, and found the support of her parents.

"But at the same time, I'm wondering if I should wait to do this,
because I'm not sure I am ready to 'give up the dream' of finding a
partner to raise a child with. Am I deluding myself that I still have
time to meet that person?"

Here is how some of the women responded to her very common concern:

NO NAME, 38 weeks pregnant

It's kind of interesting I should see this post tonight, because about
two hours ago I had a real meltdown. I'm five days away from my
c-section, and tonight I'm having a crisis of faith. I'm doing this on
my own, as I've done so many other things in my life, and I'm worried
that I'm about to condemn my son to feeling like that same outsider
I've always felt like. I've always felt that normal lives are what
other people have. I worry about my son feeling that way when he
sees other kids with fathers and siblings. People keep telling me how
wonderful it is I'm doing this and how I'll be great, and how brave, yada,
yada, yada. "If anyone can do it alone, you can."

I don't actually debate that, but it would have been nice for once in my life to not be doing something on my own because there was someone out there who really wanted to do it with me. Now I realize a lot of this is the hormones and sciatica talking (starting two days ago, I can hardly walk), but it's still hard.

So I don't know what to tell you about which inner voice to listen to.
The one that says "hang on a little longer to get what I really want"
or "now is the time to do it." Not listening to which inner voice will
make you crazier? Not waiting for ideal, or waiting for ideal and
potentially winding up with nothing? I realize that it was exactly one
year ago today that I got on this roller coaster (first attempt), and I
had a compulsion and a sense of panic that I had to try. I completely
hear you on that inner voice screaming at you "time's up! make a
call!" I think I've been the least at ease with the decision during
the pregnancy, because before the pregnancy I knew I had to try or I'd
never forgive myself, and after the baby's here, it will change
everything. However, sitting here alone and just waiting without the
panic of knowing I needed to try and without an actual outcome yet has
been the worst of it. I suspect it's the predominant rational brain,
combined with hormones and feeling like crap.

Someone said to me a few months ago -- "oh, it's good you did
the thing that was the most important." I said "no, I did the thing
that couldn't wait and had a time limit." I can't actually rank the two
things in terms of importance -- they're very different things and
fulfill very different needs. I've been very aware that I cannot expect
a child to fill one kind of loneliness. And I do not regret not going
with an uninspiring relationship in order to have a child with a
husband.

REBECCA, 31 weeks pregnant

It's hard to know when you've hit the now-or-never point until you hit it. Then it's really clear - at least it was for me. For me, it was when a friend of mine got breast cancer at age 36. She had a lumpectomy and chemo and her prognosis is excellent, but before she had chemo she was trying to decide whether to freeze her eggs in case they got fried beyond use from the chemo. (She did end up freezing them.) In helping her decide, I did some research and came across fertility rates for women over 35. I had always heard that fertility drops exponentially after age 35, but seeing actually seeing the numbers themselves was shocking.

Also, I hadn't had a date with anyone even close to marriageable in literally years, which made me more ready to let go of the "dream" part of it.

Thank goodness I didn't wait any longer, because my fertility wasn't as peachy as I assumed it would be. They found a fibroid, luteal phase defect, and high FSH for my age. I got pregnant after sixth and last IUI before moving on to IVF. Had I waited until I was 40, I would almost certainly have had to do IVF, or maybe not been able to use my eggs at all. That was too close for comfort for me, and it all came as a total shock.

If you know you want a biological child, I'd recommend doing it sooner rather than later. There is a ton of variability in ovarian aging, which makes it hard to predict when you will run out of time. And as you get older, issues that are minor for younger women (like a small fibroid) interact with your age and draw your per-cycle chance of pregnancy down even further.

Having said that, "sooner" doesn't mean "freak out this instant," but you might want to take some steps and think about trying to conceive in the next two years instead of thinking you have till you're 40. Getting a fertility work-up wouldn't be a bad idea. It'll give you a sense of what you're really dealing with. Start figuring out how you're going to pay for your fertility bills. It cost me about $9,400 to get pregnant.

But I completely agree that you must be comfortable with your decision, because you are liable to have frightening doubts no matter how well things go. I'm 31 weeks pregnant and I have fears that I'm making a huge mistake, even though everyone around me has been hugely supportive and most of the rational evidence points to the decision being a good one. It is a huge leap of faith. I imagine that other - i.e., "normal" - parents-to-be have fears as well.

JULIE, trying to conceive

This conversation is at the very core of why we (independent, loving, and intelligent) women come to the crossroads and make a decision instead of letting life just roll right over us. I know far too many people who never take leaps of faith and wind up pissed off and blaming the world for their lack. We all control our destiny to some degree. I would much rather be in the camp where I took a huge leap of faith and made a few mistakes along the way than to be in the camp where everyone is complacent and frozen with fear. Life is pretty damn scary when you think about your mortality, and how anything can happen at any given moment to take life away from you. I am a nurse. I see this on a daily basis and consider it a gift to have that perspective.

There are many days spent in neutral and that's just fine for some, but as for me, I'm choosing to drive and some days the pedal is to the floor. I refuse to get to the end of my life and have regret.

That said, this is no small feat; choosing to raise a child on your own. The fact that we all are going into it with such reverence and awe cannot be ignored. We are women who believe we have something very special within us that can only be nurtured by raising a child. Our need to be in a relationship with a child is far different from our need to be in a relationship with a man or woman.

I have had to mourn the dream as well. The first thing I did before I ever made an appointment with the fertility clinic was to find a good psychotherapist to make sure I wasn't letting go of something that was still important to me. Let me tell you, it has been no walk in the park. The grief took me by surprise, but I worked through it and continue to do so. I recommend it to anyone struggling with this decision. If you have the resources, go to someone who functions as a counselor or therapist. It's just as important as the Clomid.

A loving relationship with the right man would be such a gift, but for some reason God has chosen a different path for me. Maybe that means that the right man is just waiting for me to get the baby-making thing taken care of and he will show up later. There will still be men out there to date in my 40s, 50s, and on. My eggs, however, will not wait that long.

I fully agree that if you are not ready to jump right in and start the IUIs, don't push yourself. You need to feel ready, not forced. Be honest with yourself. It is not an easy ride, but hopefully you will find out what many of us have discovered. You will be amazed by the support you will receive. The key is opening your heart and letting it in. Let people help and support you. They gain something from it, too.

MIMI, 18 weeks pregnant

Your story is remarkably similar to mine. I had a few short-term relationships and at 35 decided to hang in with a guy I thought would get there. Low and behold, when I was 37, I realized he was never going to be able to come to grips with having kids, so I ended the relationship and began on the Choice Mom path.

After two miscarriages, doc did more tests and found a polyp, which was interfering with implantation. Had the polyp removed and voila!

If I had to do it over again, I would have started when I was 35. It really wasn't worth waiting to find Mr. Right. In fact, one of the few regrets I have as I look back on my life is that I wasted almost two years with a guy I probably knew deep down all along wasn't going to get there. As I'd like to have 2 kids, and will be almost 39 when I deliver, I'm worried I won't be able to.

KIM, about to start trying

I have been reading the "Now or Never" posts with interest. If all my tests are okay I may be trying my first attempt next month. While I am feeling quite confident about my decision, I also have moments of questioning, doubts and fears.

I have been thinking back on when I started running about 8 years ago. I started out just running a couple of miles and was happy when I achieved 2 loops around the lake, putting me at 4 miles. I did a few 5K's and people asked if I might move on to 10K's and I would say 'no, not really interested in training for that distance.' But ultimately I did a couple of 10K's. Then the question was, how about a half marathon? 'No, too much work, too far.' But I did end up thinking well, why not, let's give it a try. After a few halfs, inevitably the question of a full marathon would come up. For a couple of years my response was, '26 miles, are you nuts!' You guessed it. I suddenly had the urge to try and over several months worked up to the point that I could finish a marathon. Now I've finished 4.

One thing they tell you when you start training for a marathon is, you must respect the distance. It is a long way, and no, you are not going to be able to step out the door today and do 26 miles. It's about training and learning and ultimately taking one step at a time.

Anyway my point is that there are things in life that seem too hard, scary, or unknown and yes, there is a lot to learn and a lot of what ifs. But I think you need to trust your instincts, sign up for the race and trust that you will take it a step at a time and deal with whatever comes your way. We have no way of knowing what our current choices will bring us in the future, but we do know that life is way too short.