submitted by Lily, the Choice Mom of one, at my request....because I think we have plentiful advice and insight that tells us this is a great step to take, and need to also hear from women about why it might not be the right choice for everyone:
When Mikki asked me to write this blog, I thought it would be easy. However, just like the choice I made, it's not at all. I'm not sure how to say what I want to say without appearing hostile, dejected, or down on motherhood. I just really want to make sure that those who are thinking about this choice do their darndest to be honest with themselves.
I always feel a bit obligated to bring up the other side of the coin in discussions with Thinkers and Choice Moms, not because I think I did the wrong thing, but we're under so much pressure to not show any weakness or doubt about what we've done. We can worry that we might give those who don't like what we did ammunition. Or we feel like we have no right to complain because we chose to do this, and to say you have reservations opens us up to "I told you so's" or proof we were wrong somehow.
I openly call what I did "Plan B" and don't pretend to myself or anyone else that I see this as the pinnacle of motherhood. I still think kids are better off in two-parent homes in an ideal world. But as is evident by my choice, I just don't think that ANY two parents are better than just one. There are more screwed up families out there than I can count because of that idea.
I am now the mother to a wonderful little boy. Despite that, I'm still not sure I did the right thing for me. I never ever wanted to do this alone, but felt forced into it by circumstances -- the calculus that I saw at the time was "by holding out for what I really want, I'm very likely to end up with nothing. Let's do something."
I had to go down fighting. I suspect I have a harder time dealing with the choice because I know I still harbor some resentment at the universe, or fate, or whatever, that it came down to this. I understand that I have to let some of the anger go. And, while I'm making a lot of progress, it's not always a linear progression and it can crop up from time to time.
I know I had to give up the dream (possibly for now, possibly forever) of having a "family." I know many Choice Moms -- and other single parents -- consider themselves and a child a family, but in my mind a family involves a companion relationship for me as well.
I'm an only child, which I did not like. And I am rather concerned that my son will have even less of a family than I have (and mine is small), with no aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings, etc. I really would have liked him connected to a larger family unit than we've got.
I also wanted to have a real 'grown-up life," with companionship, children, and a different experience than I have as a single person. I've been independent, organized, stable, and together my whole life. I know darn well I don't need anyone to take care of me. But just once in a while I'd like to not be stepping out there alone and taking care of everything.
So for all of you Thinkers, be mindful of being realistic about what you really want.
I knew I didn't want to do this alone, but I rationalized it away. My son is wonderful, but I was right that he alone doesn't fill the entire void. The void seems even deeper when you're sleep-deprived and realize there's no change on the horizon for years.
I know some single parents do find a way to meet people and date, but I don't think I will be one of them. If I couldn't do a good job of it when I didn't have a child, it's unlikely that I'll figure it out anytime soon. For me, "hard" I can do, no problem. Things need to be done, a mother needs to be responsible -- that's like falling off a log. You just do it.
It's "lonely" that gets me. The Boy is great, but if I spend one more freezing weekend in this house, with no one to talk to, nowhere to go, and no visitors, I'm selling him to the circus.
Also Thinkers -- if your communities are small and you don't have a lot of people in your life now, don't count on having a child changing it, or having people magically appear to help you out. You will be as a mother the same person you've always been, just with a child. Make sure you really are okay with that. If you're not someone who has 'transformative experiences,' don't expect this one will automatically do the trick. It may, but it may not.
I'm the person I always was, living the life I always led, just with a child. It's not a bad life by any means. But you need to be sure that you are okay if your journey ends with your same life, with the addition of a child.
Someone asked me if I would do this again. I still don't know. I get a little nervous about answering that question because I don't ever want my son to feel that I resent him, don't want him, don't love him, or any of that. That's simply not true.
On many levels, I think he's the one who's gotten the raw deal. He's the best little boy in the world (no, really :-). We're going to be just fine, and most likely better off than many around us.
I wrote my son a letter before he was born, and one thing I put in it was to reassure him that he was one of the last things left that I wanted to do. I'd traveled, had exciting jobs, lived abroad, etc. I could continue to do all those things again, but on many levels he was the last great uncharted adventure.
If that's not where you are when you make this choice, you have to figure out whether not doing those other things will eat at you.
I'm not trying to discourage anyone. I just want Thinkers to realize there's nothing wrong with you if you can't quite tell yourself that this is the best way to have children, or if you feel that this is Plan B.
It's okay to be angry -- although if all you have is anger, you may not be ready.
Don't apologize or get defensive if you make this choice. But it's also okay to not go out and evangelize Choice Motherhood either.
At the end of the day, it's no one's decision but yours.
How do you feel?
8 years ago
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