Jealousy and judgment during the holidays

The holidays can be a heightened time to feel jealousy about other lives around you, or judgment from family members who don't approve of single parenting. Judgment and jealousy is the topic of the "Choosing Single Motherhood" radio show that goes online December 6. And it's a topic showing up on the Choice Mom discussion board these days.

One woman posted about her emotions -- wishing she had more of what she saw others with, including wishing she didn't have to be Thinking about Choice Motherhood. Here are a few responses to her post.

Including one from Heather, age 36:
My ex-boyfriend and I broke up this past February after 4 1/2 years together. He led me to believe that there would be a proposal and children coming soon so I kept hanging on. I felt incredibly angry that I was in this situation, but I directed a lot of the anger towards him. I was miserable and very depressed until I started looking into my options about becoming a single mother by choice. I was in the thinking stage for about 6 months as I worked on mourning the relationship. I actually had a rougher time being around pregnant woman before my break-up because it felt like having a child was so far away. After I started thinking about trying to conceive, I felt like I had this big opportunity that I never thought of before. Now, as I'm TTC I feel more jealous when I see families together or happily married couples (my neighbor just got married and I caught myself thinking for about a half an hour "Why isn't that me?"). I'm trying to focus on the thing that I really want now, which is a baby, and the jealousy/anger of my relationship ending is subsiding because I feel like I'm doing something about my future.

Wrote Lori:
I think what you're feeling is very normal, and part of the process of grieving over the loss of "the dream." I'm still in the thinking stage too, but the biggest hurdle for me is financial. I have my dream job as a biologist, but the paycheck is not steady and the jobs are intermittent (I'm a contractor) and I'm having trouble letting that go to have a child (I know it wouldn't be fair to the child to have such an unstable life). My biggest frustration is that I feel like I have to choose between a career I love in order to have a baby and I'm not ready to do that. Luckily, though I'd love to have a biological child, I find the idea of adoption as rewarding as having a biological child, so I don't have a biological clock clanging in my head. I feel like, if I were to have a baby now, it would be because I'm running out of time and that's just not a good enough reason for me.

My neighbour is very pregnant, due any day now and my brother and his wife are expecting twins in the spring. It seems like I really notice pregnant women now like I never did before, though I can't say I have trouble being around them. I've noticed that my internal dialogue with myself is often a fantasy of becoming a single mother, rather than meeting Mr. Right. It's like I've given up on Mr. Right at 34. I like the idea of a healthy, happy relationship - and I know plenty of people in one (and plenty of people in an unhealthy and miserable relationship) - but I can't seem to find it or make it happen so I've felt like I've sort of moved on and am creating my new dream. It helps me feel like I have more control of my life, whether it's true or not!

When I'm confused about something, I usually ask myself what I really want to do if I felt no one would judge my choice and if it was possible. Then I think of the steps it would take to get me there and I do it one step at a time. Ask yourself what's important to you in the big picture. Is it the lack of knowing how supportive your family would be? I know that my mother would be very upset if she knew I was thinking of having a baby on my own - but I also know she would love that baby like no other once the baby arrived. I find that once I've committed to something and believe in myself, no one can really derail me because I've already thought about all their arguments against it. Where I get frustrated is when I haven't completely made up my mind.

I hope this helps - if it didn't really help, just know that there are thinkers on this list who feel pretty stuck and sometimes frustrated too.

What about you? What emotions are you feeling this holiday season?