Thursday, June 4, 2009

From vacillating thinker to elated tryer...

submitted by Susan

I joined the Choice Mom discussion board several months ago and was in the thinking stage. I am now about to start trying. I started my initial workups last December then stopped to date some more and now I am back.

For those that are in the thinking stage, one thing I wish I'd done was written down all the things I was feeling and worried about. Because honestly, now I can't remember what they were...I just remember it being a good six months of angst and anxiety and depression. Is it just me, but have other tryers gotten this serene, peaceful feeling after you've made this decision? After I decided this (and it stuck) everything else kind of lock-stepped into place. It's almost like you stop fighting the universe and everything starts to make sense.

Honestly, I think this is the greatest idea since sliced bread. I am so happy. I get to decide when to get pregnant (hopefully it will work!). I get to decide how to decorate the nursery, how to set up the college fund, what to name the baby, etc. I think it's so...cool.

For whatever reason that sense of loss about "I don't have this guy in my life" is replaced by this sense of happiness. Maybe it's that I'm taking control of my life and putting me first. Not sure. But in any case, I'm so excited (in a terrified, life-changing kind of way).

My period is supposed to start today (never have I wanted one so much!) and then they start me on Clomid because I have a 21-23 day cycle and they want to even it out. So, here's hoping.

Now that I'm at this stage I'm just so happy. I never expected this to feel so rock solid right. I was someone who vacillated back and forth between "no way" and "this is my only option" for a good six months (and before that I thought about it "lightly" for a good year).

One thing I may add is that I completely expect to panic a little when I get the BFP. My sister, who wanted kids since birth and took two years to get pregnant, said she did. I think it's a natural reaction to any life-changing event.

What about anyone else out there? Does it just feel rock solid right?
In some weird way, this feels like it was meant to be.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

I have just made this life-changing decision myself. Reading your post really solidified it for me! It's amazing that what you wrote is exactly what I am feeling! Amazing!

Anonymous said...

I am considering single motherhood myself. I have been going back and forth for about 6 months now. I know I want to have a baby (I'm 36 and single), but I still worry whether I am making the right decision. I am waiting for the "perfect time", but everyone tells me there really isn't a perfect time. Any insight?

Anonymous said...

I am 38 (almost 39) and have made the decision to go it alone. After having made the decision to use an anonymous donor, my counselor asked if there was anyone I knew who would consider being a donor. And surprisingly enough, someone has said yes. For me now, the hardest part is waiting. He has to go through counseling, get his sperm tested, etc...and I have to wait and hope it is all okay.

I first considered this idea about three years ago and it has taken me this long to finally make the jump. In that three year period, I have done everything to someone to have a child with. There are so many positives and negatives no matter which way you go. In the end, you need to decide which way is the best for you. If you decide to use a donor, then good for you. I am lucky because I have the support of my family and a couple of very close friends..even though a couple of them don't entirely agree with my decision, they are supporting me 100 per cent.

What you need to remember is that it is your life. Mr 'have a kid' with could be around the corner or he could be the other side of the world. Just don't wait too long because every day, month, year brings greater risks and reduced fertility.

Kailey said...

Wow! Every blog I read on here makes me feel better about my decision. It's nice to know that others feel the same way as I do. I'm glad I'm not the only one.