This is from Shelley, who has opted not to become a Choice Mom. It's so hard to find the voices of those who leave the community, so I am grateful to her for letting me post her story:
I never really wanted to become a single mother by choice but because of the tick tick tick I was felt really pressured to make a decision - yes or no. I had many people pushing me to do it.
I have always been a natural mother and never imagined I would be single in my late 30's facing this AWFUL decision. I had a successful career and dating has been a challenge but I always was sure that my destiny was to be married and have a family and that I just had to trust that it would happen.
At about 38 I decided I had to actually seriously investigate having children by myself so I could forgive myself in the future if I changed my mind. I ordered your book and a few others and read them all cover to cover. I even went online and did a little research into sperm donors. Turns out you can buy some pretty damn impressive sperm, which I have to admit looks like a cakewalk compared to dating and finding a good mate. I felt humiliated and depressed that I would even have to consider this option - look at how many losers are having babies that shouldn't even be moms.
I had looked into freezing my eggs at 37 when it first became available to the public but at that point they were only working with women under 35 - another insult. A few months before turning 39 a friend said 'why don't you freeze your eggs' and I told her it was not available at my age and she challenged that...so I did a little bit of research and found that 45 minutes from my home there was a doctor that would work with me. I did 2 rounds to get 11 eggs and it was the best $20,000 I spent.
This was a huge commitment. I was really going to have children no matter what. I had gone the extra distance and there was NO guarantee that my eggs would work when I wanted to use them. And of course I was still holding hope that I would get to do it the old-fashioned way with the right guy... but I knew when I made that decision that I was totally committed to having a family some way. I still thought that if I did not find a mate by 40 that I would go ahead and have one baby on my own - referring to my frozen eggs and "baby number 2."
But something happened in that year. I had a family trauma come up and I realized that I could not imagine raising children by myself. In the most perfect of times it would be sad and lonely and feel selfish to have put my needs over my child's. But in times of drama or trauma I needed a partner. I knew that I couldn't do it.
I decided that who the father of my children is was the most important thing. That even if I have to do 10 rounds of IVF and then try to use my eggs and then try donor eggs and then on to adoption there are options to have a baby with an amazing man and that my children deserved that.
I am still seeking that man. And, at 41 1/2, the tick tick tick is pretty hard to deal with. It really is like a biological monster sometimes, but I know I made the right decision. Men are so happy to hear about my freezing of my eggs.
I might add to all of this that I lost my biological father to suicide. I have an amazing stepfather, but the loss of a father at an early age makes you realize how hard it is on families to not have a father.
I don't judge anyone for their decision - but for me this is what is right.
How do you feel?
6 years ago
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5 comments:
I'm glad that you didn't let the pressure break you down. This is YOUR life. You will do what you want to do when you're ready. Good for you!
It's interesting how everyone's past effects how they see things in the future. You had no dad so you feel your baby needs one. I had an abusive stepfather so I feel more confident in raising the baby on my own because I don't feel I can trust another man to do it. *shrugs*
Thank you for this amazing article. I can relate so much to your situation. The biological clock adds so much pressure to our lives.
I wish that whatever the outcome will be, you will be happy with the decisions that you have made.
Best of luck with your search for the father for your children, and your life partner. I would like to point out however that having your father commit suicide at an early age is not in any way comparable to being a child of a single choice mom.
I lost my brother to suicide at a young age, and do not believe that it is equivalent in any way to my son (who has neither father nor brother)... he certainly isn't haunted by someone he knew well he misses every day, who he knows took his own life instead of staying with him.
That said, I am glad you are doing what is right for you. I ended up adopting (from an orphanage: the child had neither father nor mother, so I cannot feel it is my selfishness who gave him a mom... I feel I am adding to his life vs bringing him to life through my own desires). Best wishes and thanks for sharing.
SO wonderful to read this perspective! Thank you!
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