Why I chose "no" to single motherhood

This is from Shelley, who has opted not to become a Choice Mom. It's so hard to find the voices of those who leave the community, so I am grateful to her for letting me post her story:


I never really wanted to become a single mother by choice but because of the tick tick tick I was felt really pressured to make a decision - yes or no. I had many people pushing me to do it.

I have always been a natural mother and never imagined I would be single in my late 30's facing this AWFUL decision. I had a successful career and dating has been a challenge but I always was sure that my destiny was to be married and have a family and that I just had to trust that it would happen.

At about 38 I decided I had to actually seriously investigate having children by myself so I could forgive myself in the future if I changed my mind. I ordered your book and a few others and read them all cover to cover. I even went online and did a little research into sperm donors. Turns out you can buy some pretty damn impressive sperm, which I have to admit looks like a cakewalk compared to dating and finding a good mate. I felt humiliated and depressed that I would even have to consider this option - look at how many losers are having babies that shouldn't even be moms.

I had looked into freezing my eggs at 37 when it first became available to the public but at that point they were only working with women under 35 - another insult. A few months before turning 39 a friend said 'why don't you freeze your eggs' and I told her it was not available at my age and she challenged that...so I did a little bit of research and found that 45 minutes from my home there was a doctor that would work with me. I did 2 rounds to get 11 eggs and it was the best $20,000 I spent.

This was a huge commitment. I was really going to have children no matter what. I had gone the extra distance and there was NO guarantee that my eggs would work when I wanted to use them. And of course I was still holding hope that I would get to do it the old-fashioned way with the right guy... but I knew when I made that decision that I was totally committed to having a family some way. I still thought that if I did not find a mate by 40 that I would go ahead and have one baby on my own - referring to my frozen eggs and "baby number 2."

But something happened in that year. I had a family trauma come up and I realized that I could not imagine raising children by myself. In the most perfect of times it would be sad and lonely and feel selfish to have put my needs over my child's. But in times of drama or trauma I needed a partner. I knew that I couldn't do it.

I decided that who the father of my children is was the most important thing. That even if I have to do 10 rounds of IVF and then try to use my eggs and then try donor eggs and then on to adoption there are options to have a baby with an amazing man and that my children deserved that.

I am still seeking that man. And, at 41 1/2, the tick tick tick is pretty hard to deal with. It really is like a biological monster sometimes, but I know I made the right decision. Men are so happy to hear about my freezing of my eggs.

I might add to all of this that I lost my biological father to suicide. I have an amazing stepfather, but the loss of a father at an early age makes you realize how hard it is on families to not have a father.

I don't judge anyone for their decision - but for me this is what is right.

Jealousy and judgment during the holidays

The holidays can be a heightened time to feel jealousy about other lives around you, or judgment from family members who don't approve of single parenting. Judgment and jealousy is the topic of the "Choosing Single Motherhood" radio show that goes online December 6. And it's a topic showing up on the Choice Mom discussion board these days.

One woman posted about her emotions -- wishing she had more of what she saw others with, including wishing she didn't have to be Thinking about Choice Motherhood. Here are a few responses to her post.

Including one from Heather, age 36:
My ex-boyfriend and I broke up this past February after 4 1/2 years together. He led me to believe that there would be a proposal and children coming soon so I kept hanging on. I felt incredibly angry that I was in this situation, but I directed a lot of the anger towards him. I was miserable and very depressed until I started looking into my options about becoming a single mother by choice. I was in the thinking stage for about 6 months as I worked on mourning the relationship. I actually had a rougher time being around pregnant woman before my break-up because it felt like having a child was so far away. After I started thinking about trying to conceive, I felt like I had this big opportunity that I never thought of before. Now, as I'm TTC I feel more jealous when I see families together or happily married couples (my neighbor just got married and I caught myself thinking for about a half an hour "Why isn't that me?"). I'm trying to focus on the thing that I really want now, which is a baby, and the jealousy/anger of my relationship ending is subsiding because I feel like I'm doing something about my future.

Wrote Lori:
I think what you're feeling is very normal, and part of the process of grieving over the loss of "the dream." I'm still in the thinking stage too, but the biggest hurdle for me is financial. I have my dream job as a biologist, but the paycheck is not steady and the jobs are intermittent (I'm a contractor) and I'm having trouble letting that go to have a child (I know it wouldn't be fair to the child to have such an unstable life). My biggest frustration is that I feel like I have to choose between a career I love in order to have a baby and I'm not ready to do that. Luckily, though I'd love to have a biological child, I find the idea of adoption as rewarding as having a biological child, so I don't have a biological clock clanging in my head. I feel like, if I were to have a baby now, it would be because I'm running out of time and that's just not a good enough reason for me.

My neighbour is very pregnant, due any day now and my brother and his wife are expecting twins in the spring. It seems like I really notice pregnant women now like I never did before, though I can't say I have trouble being around them. I've noticed that my internal dialogue with myself is often a fantasy of becoming a single mother, rather than meeting Mr. Right. It's like I've given up on Mr. Right at 34. I like the idea of a healthy, happy relationship - and I know plenty of people in one (and plenty of people in an unhealthy and miserable relationship) - but I can't seem to find it or make it happen so I've felt like I've sort of moved on and am creating my new dream. It helps me feel like I have more control of my life, whether it's true or not!

When I'm confused about something, I usually ask myself what I really want to do if I felt no one would judge my choice and if it was possible. Then I think of the steps it would take to get me there and I do it one step at a time. Ask yourself what's important to you in the big picture. Is it the lack of knowing how supportive your family would be? I know that my mother would be very upset if she knew I was thinking of having a baby on my own - but I also know she would love that baby like no other once the baby arrived. I find that once I've committed to something and believe in myself, no one can really derail me because I've already thought about all their arguments against it. Where I get frustrated is when I haven't completely made up my mind.

I hope this helps - if it didn't really help, just know that there are thinkers on this list who feel pretty stuck and sometimes frustrated too.

What about you? What emotions are you feeling this holiday season?