Nothing can be harder for many women than deciding whether to give up a relationship with someone who doesn't want children in order to become a Choice Mom. Many women are coming to the Choice Mom discussion board with just that situation. Here's one of those stories, with her query about how other women in this situation have decided whether a relationship or a child was ultimately most important to her.
I'm 32, new here and awfully glad I found this group! Three years ago, I fell for this amazing guy. He has two kids from a previous relationship and was perfectly positive that he didn't want any more, so he had a vasectomy. I never thought I would have my own kids so we started this wonderful story together.
About a year ago, baby thoughts started to creep up on me. I pushed them away, freaking myself out each time. Recently, my boyfriend and I discussed buying a house together and I find myself torn. I don't know if I want a baby. So I asked him what would happen if I was to want one in a couple of years (even if I was to have it on my own, with donor).
It came down to this: You want a baby, I can't live through that again, so I would understand your need to move on without me; OR you need to be sure that you are okay with the fact that if we build our life together, we won't have a baby in the house, ever.
I never imagined having those baby thoughts when we first started dating. After searching for "the one," I found him. Now, I have to decide between my "one" or a baby that I'm not 100 percent that I want yet (still on the fence).
I have a hard time picturing my life with a baby, but I also can't really picture it without. How did you women know that you truly wanted a baby?
How do you feel?
6 years ago
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8 comments:
This is an incredibly interesting topic to me. I am a little bit different and I am sorry that I have no advice for you. I am single and childless. I put in a lot of time raising my teenaged sister and I feel that I know what kind of sacrifice parenting requires. I don't want to do that now that I am, on some level, an empty nester. I am only 29 years old. I don't want to be with a man who definitely wants kids but I also don't want to be with a man who definitely doesn't. Which leaves a whole front of ambiguity on the man front. I am afraid that by the time I want kids again I'll be too old, in which case I'll simply adopt. So I guess I want a man who is open to adoption but not adamant about having biological children.
It sounds like you want biological children. My aunt wanted a baby and her boyfriend didn't. She went ahead and adopted anyways and their relationship continued.
This is a conundrum. Maybe he will change his mind but you have to be prepared for him not to.
I am 31 and have been married for 8+ years. When we got married, he wanted children and I didn't. I figured that I was young (22) so I would probably change my mind. What I did not expect was that he would also change his mind. Now, I am faced with a very similar situation. I don't want to end my marriage because I think I may someday want a child.
I would love to hear from anyone in similar situations and hear what they chose to do.
I was engaged to a man who was back and forth about kids. He said that he would do it for me, and one day he said he couldn't. He later changed his mind but at that point I didn't care and left him. I was sure I wanted a child and I'm an all or nothing kind of gal. I did have a baby on my own and it was the best decision I've ever made. I think you have to know what you want. It's not fair to the other side to be indecisive. There are concequences to either decision but in my case I had to be true to me.
Wow, I was recently in a VERY similar situation. I'm 37 and my boyfriend and I ended our relationship last month primarily because he didn't want another child. He just turned 40, is divorced with two kids and had a vascectomy after his son was born. He and his then-wife had their boy and girl...they were done.
Early on in our own relationship, when we first started to become serious, I was honest about the fact that I wanted a child one day. He was nervous about "starting over", but was also excited by the idea of seeing me as a mom. So there was hope.
When we began living together six months ago, the baby issue became so big for him that it became a never-ending topic of conversation. While he loved me, he was growing certain that he didn't want to start over with a second family, and didn't want to waste my time or -- most importantly -- have me resent him one day for not trying for a baby.
I had to take a deep look at myself and my desires. Was I willing to give up a relationship with the man of my dreams for a child? Was he just scared, after going through such a bad divorce? I'd already become very close to his son and daughter, and thought perhaps that closeness could fulfill the maternal need in me. I strongly considered not having a baby, but my boyfriend couldn't handle it. Shortly before Christmas, he broke up with me, and told me I deserved to find someone who'd want a family with me. I was devastated and still am.
But in truth, I think I WOULD have resented him for not wanting a baby. I felt strongly that if you love someone and enjoyed raising the two kids you have, there's no justifiable reason for not wanting to experience such a blessing with your partner.
Given my age, I'm now considering going the Choice Mom route and I'm scared to death.
I'm in the same boat right now. I'm currently living with my boyfriend of 3 years. I have always wanted kids but he doesn't. I knew that when I met him. I loved him so much that I convinced myself that I didn't really want children.
Last month, my boyfriend and I were looking at houses and it hit me like a ton of bricks...the halls of this big house will be empty forever. What a lonely though. Now, I can't stop thinking of having children.
I have to leave and it's tearing me apart. I feel guilty because I stayed with him for so long. I should have known that I would want kids one day. It hurts to have to leave but I haven't found one account of a woman who was happy with her decision to stay with a man who didn't want babies when she did and believe me, I've been looking.
I am lying awake tonight thinking the same thing. All I ever wanted in life was to be a mother. I dreamed of finding the man of my dreams and having children together. But life did not work out that way. I dated a series of dead beats and was about to give up when I met the man of my dreams. He, along with several of the beaus on here, had 2 kids from a previous marriage, got a vascectomy and does not want anymore children. Before we got serious we had the discussion about reversal and possibly having children in the future. His answer was "if I find the right woman". And here I am, the right woman, and his answer now is "I already have two kids. You will have a big impression on them growing up". Ummm, so no kids now? So I find myself thinking the same thing... I cannot imagine my life with my own children but I cannot imagine my life without them... I always said I would rather have a child than find the man of my dreams. I have the man of my dreams and am finding it hard to let go. Will I have regrets down the road? Whether I stay and have no children or go and have 1 or 2, I think I will always have regrets. But what is the right decision? Kid or true love...
I am 37 and my bf of 1 year just broke up with me. I made it clear if he does not want to have kids and behaves himself like one, lying, changing his mind on whim, going hot and cold, moving in and not moving in, kids yes and kids no... I have enough. So I stated my grounds and he broke up with me. Many men here are obviously looking for live entertainment and not another human being. Leave them. Leave them right now. And yes, he has 2 from previous marriage but is still immature!
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