My year-long Thinking odyssey

submitted by Emily:

I started my blood tests this month, have developed an unlikely rapport with a fertility specialist, and am moving to a better neighborhood before the year's end. All of this probably falls into the category of "trying" because I couldn't have conceived of actually doing these things a year ago. Back then, it was all baby steps...

The single most important thing I'd tell anyone starting out in this process is to give yourself a firm and generous window to think. This does two things for you right off the bat: minimizes the stress of each realization (like Scarlett, you can just think about it tomorrow), and offers up a deadline that can actually feel like a reward for your months of mental gymnastics.

I gave myself a year, and truth be told, I started easing into action a couple months early... but that just felt like extra credit. Like getting things done that weren't even on your list for the day. Gold star! And if I want to put it off I still can. That kind of permission is exactly what this Generous Thinking Window is all about.

So end of 2007, November and December, I talked about it abstractly, just a little at a time, to one friend and to myself. I bought my first books - my first step into any project. Picked up Mikki's great resource, and Knock Yourself Up, and everything else with "single motherhood" in the title. I got acquainted with the issues, started to wonder if I should use a close friend as a donor or find an anonymous one. Googled sperm banks. And it wasn't until the summer that I found the indispensable New Essential Guide to Lesbian Conception, Pregnancy and Birth and Taking Charge of Your Fertility. That's okay, there was plenty to think about.

Sometime in March or April I had an attack of cold feet when I realized that I wouldn't be able to travel for work much at all if I had a baby on my own. In a panic, I whipped around and snagged a lover and started ferociously imagining a life together. A month later I regained my senses and realized with renewed conviction how much I want to do this on my own. And that yes, there will be sacrifices.

I think the big thing that put my process back into perspective was the recognition that I won't want to travel as much. I'll want to be there as much as possible, and sometimes I won't be able to be there as much as I want to, but dragging someone else into it isn't the way to reconcile that fact. This is something every working parent has to deal with, single or not.

The metaphor that lingers, especially when I think of that time last Spring, is of my daily life flailing wildly on a rocky sea. It's a scene that I imagine with a lot of humor, only a little pathos. Because at the bottom of that sea, where the waters are still, dark, and clear, there's a gentle nurse shark making her way along in a persistent direction, unphased by the noise above. That's my gut. I have my ups and downs, but deep inside I know I'm doing what's right for me.


to read more about the nitty gritty of my process since opening the door to the trying phase, check out my blog: mydiybaby.com