Coming to terms with grief

Submitted by Roni:

I am now officially in the trying-to-conceive process, although I still find myself with thoughts of "am I making the right decision?" There's such an overlapping of emotions all the time. I continue to see-saw through the agony of deciding to raise a fatherless child.

I spent the afternoon with friends and their two-year-old boy. Inside my stomach was in knots watching the natural fusion between the child and the role each parent plays for him, and how they interact with him and each other regarding him. Sigh.

I have wrestled and struggled and belly-ached all year with my grief about having a baby without the partner. But I have entered a new phase. While taking this mourning and pain of partnerlessness seriously, I am now coming from a place of empowerment and maternal yearning. I am coming to terms with many issues (I do recommend some form of therapy to resolve the losses and the fears of becoming a Choice Mom) and accepting the fact that some things are unavoidable but we do make the decisions we make anyway.

It's why I love hearing from all the women on the Choice Mom discussion board — so much courage, so much determination, so much love to give that won't quit despite the odds and obstacles along the way.

I am honored to take my place (G-d willing soon) amongst such a supreme but exceedingly humble and human group of women.

Yes, we generally desire a partner to share with us the burden and the joy of raising a child, but even if we must defer that aspect of life for awhile, let's not defer motherhood indefinitely because we will always regret it if we miss the chance altogether.

Let's also not buy into the myth of "hello this is me, single forever." We all deserve love and companionship.

Deciding to become a single mom is not tagging myself as "unmarriageable" either by design or by resolve. I certainly have struggled with this issue, which was the main reason I couldn't proceed last year. But now I say "Believe in yourself, believe in love." When people ask "are you married?" my response is "not yet."

For some of us, it happens at 21, others 51, some succeed at 40, others dissolve at 25. There is no universal standard age for successful and fulfilling partnerships. We each have our time frame for love, but motherhood cannot wait indefinitely.

Good luck to every woman who makes the life altering choice.