At the crossroads: single, childless, happy, longing

submitted by Jenny

I’m 32 and thinking about becoming a single mother by choice.

I've lived abroad, traveled the world, gained an education, partied hard, explored my sexuality, and established a career. I pursue creative hobbies, stand up for what I believe in, volunteer for causes I'm passionate about, and look for the beauty in everything. I live alone and genuinely enjoy my own company. I take charge of my life and steer the parts that I can control - inwardly and outwardly - in the direction I want to go. I'm not complacent, but I haven't met a man who shares my goal of parenthood, and I've been single for too long.

I'm not holding out for the mythological Mr. Right. Rather, I want to meet a man who is kind-hearted, shares my values, and respects my interests. And I don't desire fireworks. Nor do I buy into the myth of ready-made soul mates. I believe that we choose to love, and we choose to commit to someone, and I will work as hard as I can to maintain my side of the love-commitment pact. I believe in compromise, and I believe in hard work. In my eyes, ups and downs *are* contentment. The thing is, I want to share them with a (truly) significant other. Now. Yet he hasn't come along, and while I can live without ever meeting a partner, I cannot live without ever mothering a child.

The media tells me that I'm to be a happy and carefree single, that I'm to revel in my ability to spend as much money as I please on as many material items as I please, and that I'm to accept that a hobby, a pet, a designer handbag and a desk by the window will fulfill my very human yearnings for deep intimacy and a biological child. I'm supposed to push my desire for commitment aside, and to drown my biological clock in cocktails. I'm to celebrate capitalism (oops, I mean singleness) by buying experiences that induce temporary highs and “pampering” myself in ways that conform to Western beauty ideals - while having meaningless sex with a different man every night (who won’t even pay me for the displeasure). And I'm to feel proud of these “achievements.”

Only all I want is to be a mother, which now requires new ways of being and believing. Because the bustling family life and equally shared parenting I’ve always aspired to, sensing it would make me profoundly happy, now feels akin to chasing rainbows -- on deadline. I never imagined my wishes would slip so easily through my fingers. After all, they were within my reach, under my control, and embarrassingly average. Or were they?

As I stand at crossroads -- facing my fears, acknowledging my loss, and reshaping my hopes -- avoidance, confusion and anger have given way to anxiety and frustration. Sure, I’m ready and willing to make a lifelong commitment, shoulder responsibility, surrender my personal freedoms, and relinquish my lifestyle “privileges.” I feel like I’ve been ready for years. And yes, I’m confident that I can provide time, attention, love, discipline, and material essentials. But do I have the right to have a child because...well, just because I want one?

Does “choice” motherhood disadvantage a child from his or her first breath? To what degree does the stigma attached to “choice” mothers “taint” a child, too? What psychosocial obstacles stand in the way of a “choice” child, teenager, and adult’s happiness? Am I strong enough not to feel belittled by the elevated social status conferred on partnered mothers? Is putting care and thought into bringing a “choice” child into this world any guarantee that I will make the right decision? Without knowing the personality of my future child, or how he or she will react to mine, can that decision ever be “right”? Will (single) mother-love be enough “protection” against an oftentimes hard, lonely and thankless job? Can I truly resign myself to the possibility of never experiencing passionate, companionate love with a man again? And if “giving love”, “receiving love”, and “having a family” are good enough reasons for couples (who may or may not remain together) to become parents…why aren’t they good enough for me, too?

Sometimes it’s all too much, and I find myself going round in circles, endlessly reinterpreting the ethical, psychological, and personal considerations -- what *if*, what if, *what* if?

But the more I weigh the struggles and strengths of “choice” motherhood, the more my feelings of helplessness give way to meaning. Because I may not have a new dream in place yet, but I do have a new vision of who I am and what I can become -- if I choose to reach out to the future fearlessly.

To be or not to be a mom....

from Kim, age 40

Like all of you, I have a deep desire to have a child of my own. When I was 36 I went out with a guy for two years who said he DID want a child. When we broke up he said "I always said I didn't want a child!" I know that this is a common story. Anyway, shortly after we broke up I began this journey of `thinking' and through the information on the Choice Moms discussion board realized I can have my dream without a partner.

I have been to a fertility specialist, and had every test under the sun. My fertility health is good. And an ex-boyfriend (whom I have known for 15y) agreed to be my known donor. He is the perfect KD because he lives in another continent (Australia) and has even offered to help with some financial support. Last weekend he visited and we went to a sperm bank together. We are all set to go; his "life-force" is there for me now...waiting for me....I feel so grateful and lucky!!!

And now here is my question. I have done an enormous amount of soul searching....and it's clear to me there is a piece of me that is still "not sure." There are the doubts of course about whether I can practically raise a child by myself -- emotionally, financially -- and the worries about future dating, etc. That's all there. But my real question is about....am I choosing from my heart?

To be frank, I realize that my belief system up until now has been that my life will be complete if I have a baby. In reality I know that it will be very `different' and not necessarily `better'. Because all my energy has been focused on this, I have it in my mind that being a mother is superior to not being a mother. I am very self sufficient, and very successful at `getting it done', and I've pursued this like: here's the problem, and here's how I fix it.

Now that I know being a mother is a very REAL possibility for me, the `urgency' has gone. I can truly and honestly sit with `having a baby' and `not having a baby'. And I'm just `feeling' into that. Feeling into my body and my heart and waiting for something else to arise in me. I am so grateful for this space now because I know I am choosing from a place of deep calm rather than to fill a gap. I still have an overwhelming, overflowing love toward children when I am around them by the way. That has been a constant for me.

I would really love to hear from others that are at this point -- at the edge of not having or having, being a mom or not being a mom. Does this question come up for you too?

I look forward to your responses.