In hindsight, what would you do differently?

A 40-year-old woman, new to the Choice Mom discussion board, said it was time for her to make a conscious decision about her future instead of letting nature decide. She had read "Choosing Single Motherhood," taken the Clomid challenge, and was still wrestling with whether she could possibly raise a baby on her own. She asked: "For all of you who have been through the Thinking stage already, what are the top three things you wish you would have known or done while you were in your decision-making process?"

Many of the answers were the same, which is worth pointing out here:

Said one woman: "I wish I would have started SOONER! I was stuck in my ambivalence phase for so long that I let YEARS go by. Precious, precious years that could have resulted in an easier time getting pregnant. Now I am 42 and on my second IVF cycle....waiting to see what will happen. So yeah, SOONER. For example, back in May I went to my clinic and made my decision to try but I didn't actually do the first cycle until November. I should have done it right away. And more specifically, I wish I'd tried getting pregnant say 3 years ago when my eggs were probably a lot more viable. So, my advice is: DO IT NOW!"

Replied Cathi: 1) I wish I would have gotten healthier (lost weight, been in better shape, made better food choices) before conceiving. 2) I wish I would have saved more money. I did pretty well at paying off student loans and my car, but I still blew a lot, especially on setting up the nursery. I should have used Craigslist more for baby stuff, and not bought 1/10 of the baby clothes I did in my excitement! 3) I wish I'd relaxed and enjoyed the pregnancy more. I had a lot of stress going on with my living situation at the time (I moved when I was 7 1/2 months pregnant), and spent a lot of nights in the tub sobbing with worry and maybe a little self-pity. I wish I could've been more grateful that I was healthy and expecting a baby instead of stressed about money and caregivers and my boss and not having a partner and where I was going to live!

For me, I didn't wish I'd done it sooner - this was the right time for me, and I was at the right place in my life with work and family etc.

Said Jeanne: "I will be 41 this week and started this whole process a few days before I turned 40. I've had 4 IUI's with AD, resulting in one chemical pregnancy and one pregnancy that miscarried at 12 weeks. I wish I had: started earlier; not worried so much about choosing the "perfect" donor; and not worried about what others might think or say. The things that seemed so important to me at the beginning of the journey really aren't as important anymore. All that matters now is getting and staying pregnant! Good luck on your journey!

Said one 42-year-old: 1) I wish I would have started motherhood earlier. 2) I wish I would have NOT gotten married to Mr. Wrong ‘under the influence’ of the biological clock. (which ended up inflicting custody hell on my son). 3) I wish I were younger and financially better off, so I could have one more child.

Said Denise: 1. I wish I would have NOT married my ex-husband. 2. I wish I would have met my real soulmate several years ago and had kids with him and/or I wish I would have become an SMC years ago. 3. I wish I would have won a lottery.

Said Sharon: I wish I had started ttc when I started thinking - when I was 30. Instead I waited for Mr. Right. Bad decision. Now I'm 36 and wishing I had started a long time ago. I didn't realize how long it would take for me to get pregnant.

Said the Choice Mom of a toddler: I wish I would have started earlier. I wish I would have started T42 earlier. I wish I would have known how little I'd miss my freedom -- I'd been really worried about that, but it's not that big of a deal. I wish I would have had a laundry tub when she was a baby! Honest to god they poop all over everything when they are little.

Dealing with the ANGER

A woman posted on the Choice Mom discussion board that she wanted to "scream at the universe 'why me?' And I want to scream at society that this wasn't my first choice, that I played by the rules too. I want to travel back in time and tell my younger self that the rules change when you reach your thirties."

Her strong post of strong emotions struck a nerve with many women. Here's how Nataniella replied:

I could have written every one of these words, if I were half as articulate as you. Yes, yes, YES! I feel so ripped off and angry! I write about it, I talk to everyone who will listen (and some who won't), my therapist is on speed dial for the times a rush of emotion overtakes me and I have to scream it out.

And, yet, at the end of the day (or the scream-fest, or the crying jag), here I am. Dealing with what life has dealt me.

I read a lot of stories/novels/blogs from women who have fertility problems, or lost a partner, or other tragic life events in some way....it helps me to feel less alone and see that people, even once they've had the dream come true of a loving partner, marriage (and yes, the gawd-d*#d celebration with a big white dress and all that), sometimes sh!t happens and then in some other way life isn't what they asked for.

I try not to think about which dream I'd rather have NOT come true: my health, my romantic love, my work, etc. I have fulfilling, potentially lucrative work I find meaningful, which makes the world a better place, so I do remember once in a while to feel grateful for that.

So, no way over this except through it, I realize. I, too, long for the AUTHENTIC reframing, shifting of expectations, rather than just putting on a brave face and sallying forth. I guess I do a bit of both.

And somehow, I am starting to nudge myself (kicking and screaming) into a very slightly different place. A recent trip to my dad's sun-drenched retirement home had me imagining coming with baby in tow, no man, and what that might be like. Tentative discussions with dad and stepmom were supportive, even excited, for my rough plans. Again, trying to remember gratitude.

Tiring, though, isn't it?

Regrets...

At my favorite Unitarian Universalist tradition today -- the Coming of Age ceremony for our 9th graders -- McKenzie, a young woman who has stood out for me at the church for several years, when I met her in a class I helped teach about "Neighboring Faiths," offered her thoughts on who she is and is not.

Always much more confident and comfortable being who she is than I remember myself at 15, she had some wonderful things to say to the adult congregants gathered about her own spiritual guidelines...about the difference between dreaming (moving toward your goals) and obsessing (focusing on something that just gets you stuck).

She also had this excellent insight, which I asked her for permission to reprint here:
"Regret is being unable to learn from our mistakes."
And, a line that I'm happy to say that my 9-year-old daughter just recited to me from memory:
"Don't regret mistakes. Acknowledge them and learn from them."

-- Mikki