We don't need the guy to chop down trees

There was some great insight on the Choice Mom discussion board today, in response to a few women who are struggling with mixed feelings about embarking on the Choice Mom journey. One woman, in fact, suggested that taking this step makes her feel like a failure for not being able to find a partner and a second parent for her future child. To this, Caroline, who gave me permission to reprint here, responded:


I wouldn't look at it like a failure that you can't meet someone good enough, but as a testimonial to you as a successful and independent woman that you've got higher expectations and are not willing to settle for just anyone. (Almost) ANYONE can meet someone to marry and have kids with. But that's not our goal.

The CEO of a Fortune 500 company does not consider it a failure on his part (or his company's part) that most applicants who apply do not meet their criteria and are therefore rejected. So why should you (or I) for finding a mate? At least companies can layoff and fire employees if they don't work out. We can't. If we have a child with this person, we're tied to them for life.

Frankly, because women have gained more rights and have been allowed to compete equally with their male counterparts in the past few decades, I'm not the least surprised that we've reached this point where Choice Motherhood/SMC is a viable and healthy option and even a preferred route for many women.

Traditionally, women needed the guy to have a family, to help manage the house and life, just like they've needed the dozen kids to tend to the fields. But lifestyles and opportunities have obviously changed. We don't need the dozen kids and we don't need the guy to chop down the trees.

And when you're down, google "divorce rates" or "divorce custody fights."

Speaking from experience...let yourself doubt

submitted by Lily, the Choice Mom of one, at my request....because I think we have plentiful advice and insight that tells us this is a great step to take, and need to also hear from women about why it might not be the right choice for everyone:

When Mikki asked me to write this blog, I thought it would be easy. However, just like the choice I made, it's not at all. I'm not sure how to say what I want to say without appearing hostile, dejected, or down on motherhood. I just really want to make sure that those who are thinking about this choice do their darndest to be honest with themselves.

I always feel a bit obligated to bring up the other side of the coin in discussions with Thinkers and Choice Moms, not because I think I did the wrong thing, but we're under so much pressure to not show any weakness or doubt about what we've done. We can worry that we might give those who don't like what we did ammunition. Or we feel like we have no right to complain because we chose to do this, and to say you have reservations opens us up to "I told you so's" or proof we were wrong somehow.

I openly call what I did "Plan B" and don't pretend to myself or anyone else that I see this as the pinnacle of motherhood. I still think kids are better off in two-parent homes in an ideal world. But as is evident by my choice, I just don't think that ANY two parents are better than just one. There are more screwed up families out there than I can count because of that idea.

I am now the mother to a wonderful little boy. Despite that, I'm still not sure I did the right thing for me. I never ever wanted to do this alone, but felt forced into it by circumstances -- the calculus that I saw at the time was "by holding out for what I really want, I'm very likely to end up with nothing. Let's do something."

I had to go down fighting. I suspect I have a harder time dealing with the choice because I know I still harbor some resentment at the universe, or fate, or whatever, that it came down to this. I understand that I have to let some of the anger go. And, while I'm making a lot of progress, it's not always a linear progression and it can crop up from time to time.

I know I had to give up the dream (possibly for now, possibly forever) of having a "family." I know many Choice Moms -- and other single parents -- consider themselves and a child a family, but in my mind a family involves a companion relationship for me as well.

I'm an only child, which I did not like. And I am rather concerned that my son will have even less of a family than I have (and mine is small), with no aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings, etc. I really would have liked him connected to a larger family unit than we've got.

I also wanted to have a real 'grown-up life," with companionship, children, and a different experience than I have as a single person. I've been independent, organized, stable, and together my whole life. I know darn well I don't need anyone to take care of me. But just once in a while I'd like to not be stepping out there alone and taking care of everything.

So for all of you Thinkers, be mindful of being realistic about what you really want.

I knew I didn't want to do this alone, but I rationalized it away. My son is wonderful, but I was right that he alone doesn't fill the entire void. The void seems even deeper when you're sleep-deprived and realize there's no change on the horizon for years.

I know some single parents do find a way to meet people and date, but I don't think I will be one of them. If I couldn't do a good job of it when I didn't have a child, it's unlikely that I'll figure it out anytime soon. For me, "hard" I can do, no problem. Things need to be done, a mother needs to be responsible -- that's like falling off a log. You just do it.

It's "lonely" that gets me. The Boy is great, but if I spend one more freezing weekend in this house, with no one to talk to, nowhere to go, and no visitors, I'm selling him to the circus.

Also Thinkers -- if your communities are small and you don't have a lot of people in your life now, don't count on having a child changing it, or having people magically appear to help you out. You will be as a mother the same person you've always been, just with a child. Make sure you really are okay with that. If you're not someone who has 'transformative experiences,' don't expect this one will automatically do the trick. It may, but it may not.

I'm the person I always was, living the life I always led, just with a child. It's not a bad life by any means. But you need to be sure that you are okay if your journey ends with your same life, with the addition of a child.

Someone asked me if I would do this again. I still don't know. I get a little nervous about answering that question because I don't ever want my son to feel that I resent him, don't want him, don't love him, or any of that. That's simply not true.

On many levels, I think he's the one who's gotten the raw deal. He's the best little boy in the world (no, really :-). We're going to be just fine, and most likely better off than many around us.

I wrote my son a letter before he was born, and one thing I put in it was to reassure him that he was one of the last things left that I wanted to do. I'd traveled, had exciting jobs, lived abroad, etc. I could continue to do all those things again, but on many levels he was the last great uncharted adventure.

If that's not where you are when you make this choice, you have to figure out whether not doing those other things will eat at you.

I'm not trying to discourage anyone. I just want Thinkers to realize there's nothing wrong with you if you can't quite tell yourself that this is the best way to have children, or if you feel that this is Plan B.

It's okay to be angry -- although if all you have is anger, you may not be ready.

Don't apologize or get defensive if you make this choice. But it's also okay to not go out and evangelize Choice Motherhood either.

At the end of the day, it's no one's decision but yours.

3 strong podcasts

These three strong Choice Chat podcasts are great for women who are thinking about whether they can logistically and emotionally handle single parenthood:

Fri, 16 January 2009
Choice Mom Tricks: Part 2
Recorded at a San Francisco Bay Area networking event for Choice Moms, this show features the experience of Choice Moms founder Mikki Morrissette, the humor of author Mary Pols ("Accidentally on Purpose") and the insight of Choice Mom and therapist Felicia Shamma, as well as audience members, to discuss our fears and coping strategies.

A focus of the discussion was about finding partners in the journey -- friends, male role models, colleagues -- and the strengths, and weaknesses, we find in ourselves after we become mothers.

This show was sponsored by Pacific Fertility Center, which co-sponsored the networking event.

Tue, 6 January 2009
Choice Chat with Jennifer: support network in action
This episode features Jennifer, 8 months pregnant, who was part of a Choice Moms conversation circle that included six women talking about how we got to this stage of our journey, concerns we have for our children, how men play a role in our lives, and more.

It is a great example of the kinds of honest discussions we can and do have with each other, the thought that goes behind our decisions, and the plans we make for building the best world we can for our children.

The Choice Mom community is vast and varied and worldwide, and as this podcast allows us to hear, when we consciously reach out to each other we can be our own best support network.

This podcast was sponsored by California Cryobank, which sponsored a CD about "Answering the Daddy Question" that came out of this roundtable discussion.

Mon, 22 December 2008
Choice Mom Tricks: Part 1
In this show, recorded at a New York City networking event for Choice Moms, authors Mikki Morrissette and Louise Sloan talk about their Choice Mom journeys. What has been harder than we expected? What has been easier? What advice do we have for other single moms? What have we learned from interviewing Choice Moms and from our own personal experiences?

It also includes insight from mental health therapists Patricia Mendell and Joann Paley Galst about the rights to complain, and to ask for support.

This show was sponsored by California Cryobank, which was the gold sponsor of the New York City workshop.

Dealing with the ANGER

A woman posted on the Choice Mom discussion board that she wanted to "scream at the universe 'why me?' And I want to scream at society that this wasn't my first choice, that I played by the rules too. I want to travel back in time and tell my younger self that the rules change when you reach your thirties."

Her strong post of strong emotions struck a nerve with many women. Here's how Nataniella replied:

I could have written every one of these words, if I were half as articulate as you. Yes, yes, YES! I feel so ripped off and angry! I write about it, I talk to everyone who will listen (and some who won't), my therapist is on speed dial for the times a rush of emotion overtakes me and I have to scream it out.

And, yet, at the end of the day (or the scream-fest, or the crying jag), here I am. Dealing with what life has dealt me.

I read a lot of stories/novels/blogs from women who have fertility problems, or lost a partner, or other tragic life events in some way....it helps me to feel less alone and see that people, even once they've had the dream come true of a loving partner, marriage (and yes, the gawd-d*#d celebration with a big white dress and all that), sometimes sh!t happens and then in some other way life isn't what they asked for.

I try not to think about which dream I'd rather have NOT come true: my health, my romantic love, my work, etc. I have fulfilling, potentially lucrative work I find meaningful, which makes the world a better place, so I do remember once in a while to feel grateful for that.

So, no way over this except through it, I realize. I, too, long for the AUTHENTIC reframing, shifting of expectations, rather than just putting on a brave face and sallying forth. I guess I do a bit of both.

And somehow, I am starting to nudge myself (kicking and screaming) into a very slightly different place. A recent trip to my dad's sun-drenched retirement home had me imagining coming with baby in tow, no man, and what that might be like. Tentative discussions with dad and stepmom were supportive, even excited, for my rough plans. Again, trying to remember gratitude.

Tiring, though, isn't it?