From vacillating thinker to elated tryer...

submitted by Susan

I joined the Choice Mom discussion board several months ago and was in the thinking stage. I am now about to start trying. I started my initial workups last December then stopped to date some more and now I am back.

For those that are in the thinking stage, one thing I wish I'd done was written down all the things I was feeling and worried about. Because honestly, now I can't remember what they were...I just remember it being a good six months of angst and anxiety and depression. Is it just me, but have other tryers gotten this serene, peaceful feeling after you've made this decision? After I decided this (and it stuck) everything else kind of lock-stepped into place. It's almost like you stop fighting the universe and everything starts to make sense.

Honestly, I think this is the greatest idea since sliced bread. I am so happy. I get to decide when to get pregnant (hopefully it will work!). I get to decide how to decorate the nursery, how to set up the college fund, what to name the baby, etc. I think it's so...cool.

For whatever reason that sense of loss about "I don't have this guy in my life" is replaced by this sense of happiness. Maybe it's that I'm taking control of my life and putting me first. Not sure. But in any case, I'm so excited (in a terrified, life-changing kind of way).

My period is supposed to start today (never have I wanted one so much!) and then they start me on Clomid because I have a 21-23 day cycle and they want to even it out. So, here's hoping.

Now that I'm at this stage I'm just so happy. I never expected this to feel so rock solid right. I was someone who vacillated back and forth between "no way" and "this is my only option" for a good six months (and before that I thought about it "lightly" for a good year).

One thing I may add is that I completely expect to panic a little when I get the BFP. My sister, who wanted kids since birth and took two years to get pregnant, said she did. I think it's a natural reaction to any life-changing event.

What about anyone else out there? Does it just feel rock solid right?
In some weird way, this feels like it was meant to be.