Unwed is not the same as Unprepared

The Choice Mom board recently had a discussion about how a CNN article recently described us as "unwed." Some women didn't particularly like the term, since it implies a lack that we don't all feel. Like saying someone is un-blonde, instead of brunette. Some wondered, why not simply call us single, without implying that we're supposed to be something else? Here's one response to the thread from Pamela, 39.


I so agree with the neg. tone of 'unwed.' Funny how technically at the moment I'm a spinster! Single mom, I'm okay with that, but there are so many ways to become a single mom and each road has different social acceptance and different levels of sympathy or in some cases stigmas. I personally prefer to look at it this way:

I was raised being told I could do anything, and though the road was often more challenging as a woman, the road was not blocked (for the most part). The rewards along the way for milestones achieved are still less than my male counterparts, but I'm allowed to walk a road my grandmother was forbidden to travel. I was raised to be independent in thought and action. I was encouraged to follow my dreams and let my spirit guide me. Attending college was not an option -- it was expected, and I was the first woman on both sides of the family to obtain a degree. I am a confident, successful, smart, good-looking woman who by popular belief must by 'broken' in some way as I haven't found a man to marry.

No, I'm not broken, I'm not wounded, I'm not needy. I am the product of a generation of women who were raised believing the world was their oyster. A generation of independent, confident women that society shaped and formed, while forgetting that the boys they were raising alongside these amazing smart and talented girls were not being raised much differently than their fathers -- and when these boys became men and they looked for their mates, they saw women who did not fit the qualities they were programmed to look for in a wife. They saw qualities to pass over.

So am I broken or is it that lens in which men view me that has been curved incorrectly, such that the beauty of an independent woman is not seen? Society shaped me, encouraged career development and beliefs that I could have it all -- career and family. Yet when I achieve career, and family is nowhere to be found, and I pore as much effort into finding a man as I did into my career, I'm still left empty handed. Yet, I view the lack of a man as yet another obstacle in the long journey of my life and begin to develop a work-around. Donor insemination to the rescue, something that's been kept in the closet for unfortunate couples having issues with fertility is now my saving grace.

I like thinking of myself as going down the road towards being an independent mom, because I do not plan to be dependent on social assistance. Save it for the single, UNwed mothers who are UNemployed/UNderemployed and UNable to provide for their children/self and Dependent on others for their needs.

I may be single and thus unwed as I approach motherhood, but I am also independent and will be an independent mom!

Working odd hours

A not-uncommon query was posted on the Choice Mom discussion board by someone who worked long, odd hours and was concerned how other single women with non-9-to-5 work managed. She also wondered how we work 40 hours and then come home and do everything alone. It elicited some helpful responses that I thought should be shared with the wider blog audience:

Helena: I also had a job that required a lot of hours and potentially some really weird, last minute, come-in-and-deal-with-this-at-3 a.m. ones. I made sure I had back up--people I knew and could call on in an emergency, and also found that I could often bring my son (now 3) in on those rare middle-of-the-night occasions. I found that kids can be pretty adaptable when they are started off with a certain routine early on. I have family about 50 miles away but also made sure I had a lot of friends who could help out if I needed to be at work on an off-time and COULDN'T have him with me. That is key. If I hadn't had that, I don't think I would have been able to stay at my (then) job.

I think you also need to tell yourself that you cannot be Super Mom without driving yourself crazy. Quality time is important over quantity time. My friends with kids who have partners (and one is a SAHM with a live-in nanny!) plan extravagant parties for their kids because they have the time to hand-make invitations and party-favors. That's great! But I have to know that I won't be able to do that much without going crazy.

Darla: I just want to reiterate that your priorities really do change once you have a child. The job that seemed so important to you before may become more just a way to make money than a way to find personal fulfillment. Not that you don't need a job that you enjoy, but just that it will likely not be nearly as important as the time you spend away from that job. And you will find waysto either work your home schedule around your job schedule or work your job schedule around your home schedule. We all do that to a certain extent, even those of us who work "normal hours".

The last thing I want to mention is that I can't stress enough how important a support system is, especially if you have medical issues that may limit your endurance at times. In my opinion, no one should parent totally alone. The old saying that 'It takes a village to raise a child' is a wise one and even two-parent households need that village from time to time. Life is messy. People get sick, cars break down, things come up at the last minute, and having a network of people to call on in those circumstances can be crucial.

When I started off on this journey of SMC, I had the same idea that you stated above. I wanted to have people around in case of extreme emergencies, but I wanted to be able to handle everything else by myself. What I found was that even when I can do that, I shouldn't. It's not the best option for me or my children. When I am overly tired or totally in need of adult conversation or whatever else, I am not the best mom to my children. I need to meet my own needs in order to meet theirs to the best of my abilities and so the responsible thing to do in those circumstances is ask for help, as hard as that can be at times.

I’ve also met other moms who are definitely not soul-mates but who live nearby so are really convenient in terms of trading babysitting. Sometimes it's not about the emotional connection, but just about the convenience factor.

Heather: There are 24 -hour daycare facilities these days to accommodate those working the non-traditional 8-5 shift. I think if you posted an add for a home day care provider with your specific hours, you may find something.

Moran: I got a nanny for $275 per week that lived in. It made my crazy career possible while I had a newborn. I was lucky to be able to bring my nanny and child to work during the first 9 months so I could continue to breastfeed and be near her. After that (and until now - she just turned 3) I have stayed home. I am able to share the real formative time with her and have stretched my funds and got my own insurance. Sacrifices have been made, but it is worth it. I knew it would be hard, but totally underestimated it. You need lots of support - hire some of it and if you are lucky, find friends and family that you can swap favors with.

How do you deal with the tiredness of working 40-50 hours per
week and then coming home to doing everything by oneself? I don't want to HAVE to go home to my parents on my days off just to get the extra help. I want to go just to visit but still show everyone I can do it on my own.

I totally see where you are. I was there too, but after three years of this I can tell you it is nearly impossible for you to do it entirely "on your own." Ask for help when you need it. Hire help when you need it. Give yourself a break when you can. Cut your hours back if you can. I was totally a career woman and never thought it would change, but there is not 200% of you to go around. You will definitely want to spend time with your little one. My personal advice - spend as many weeks/months at the beginning with your newborn baby then pick it up again when they are a year or so. I didn't have much of a maternity leave, but found that I was glad to have more time with her from year 1-3 when she is really forming her personality and learning what life is all about. I feel it creates the base she will need to thrive and now she can start pre-school and I can go back to work!!

How do I juggle work travel?

This common query from Emily, who welcomes our comments and responses here.

I travel for work at least once a month. Sometimes I'm away from the Bay Area for a week at a time, and the voyage isn't an easy one - often grappling with O'Hare, weather delays, difficult connections, and then sitting in the middle seat when I get stuffed onto a flight I was wait-listed for, catching every flu and cold in the nation between November and June.

I'm getting ahead of myself. With each of these scenes now, I'm imagining the kid. Would I take you with me? Where and with whom would I leave you if I didn't? I can't even conceive of leaving you in someone else's care overnight. And if I did that, how would I pay for it? The issues explode in every direction.

This reminds me of my mom's story, c. 1978, we were leaving my father - or rather, I suppose he had left us. She took me out to lunch - I was 3 or so - to tell me he wasn't going to be living with us anymore and we were going to be moving. As she tells it, my eyes filled with tears and I replied, "but I can't carry all my stuff!" She assured me we would be getting movers, and apparently that solved my immediate concerns.

At the same time that I wrestle with the mammoth decisions - to do this now or wait?, and how to inseminate - I feel this old tug of the details. How will I carry everything? Groceries and a stroller, luggage and baby dashing through O'Hare, a car rental at the airport and a child seat that isn't mine... or would I bring one? Or again, would I leave the baby at home? How does this work?

Here's the big one: what will having a baby on my own do to my work? Will I be able to perform as well if I can't just jump on a plane with a week's notice? Can I refuse to travel for 6 months... or a year? If I leave the baby with someone, will it be okay and how could I possibly do that? Will I have to work harder to compensate for not traveling as much? Will they punish me for choosing to do this on my own? How much will be too much to ask?

I often console myself with the thought that having a baby now is what I need to do and the rest will work itself out. I'm actually clear on this in my heart, when I'm not overwhelmed by the details and unknowns. I worry about the finances, but not as much as I worry about these logistics of balancing a baby and work... and the torn feelings I know I'll have when I have to be away more than I'd like.

One of my dearest wishes is to find a community of women I can trust... I dream about a warm web of support. It's my biggest comfort to imagine that there might be a number of us both in the area where I live and online, who can offer a hand, a reference, advice, and a safety net to help each other out in ways even our mothers might not have experienced a generation ago.

When my mom tells me about the early days with my father, it doesn't sound like she had much help. She was lucky when I was older to be remarried to a man who was home with me when she traveled for a week at a time. Apparently things have a way of working out...

Mikki's note: Welcome Emily, to the website and the discussion group, where you will indeed find the warm web of support you are looking for. You will undoubtedly start to get some of the feedback you are looking for as you plan your journey.