Give up a relationship?

Nothing can be harder for many women than deciding whether to give up a relationship with someone who doesn't want children in order to become a Choice Mom. Many women are coming to the Choice Mom discussion board with just that situation. Here's one of those stories, with her query about how other women in this situation have decided whether a relationship or a child was ultimately most important to her.

I'm 32, new here and awfully glad I found this group! Three years ago, I fell for this amazing guy. He has two kids from a previous relationship and was perfectly positive that he didn't want any more, so he had a vasectomy. I never thought I would have my own kids so we started this wonderful story together.

About a year ago, baby thoughts started to creep up on me. I pushed them away, freaking myself out each time. Recently, my boyfriend and I discussed buying a house together and I find myself torn. I don't know if I want a baby. So I asked him what would happen if I was to want one in a couple of years (even if I was to have it on my own, with donor).

It came down to this: You want a baby, I can't live through that again, so I would understand your need to move on without me; OR you need to be sure that you are okay with the fact that if we build our life together, we won't have a baby in the house, ever.

I never imagined having those baby thoughts when we first started dating. After searching for "the one," I found him. Now, I have to decide between my "one" or a baby that I'm not 100 percent that I want yet (still on the fence).

I have a hard time picturing my life with a baby, but I also can't really picture it without. How did you women know that you truly wanted a baby?

My Unanswered Question

submitted by Marynell

It is so strange that I have now reached an age where having a baby remains on my mind so often. I can’t remember ever not planning to have children. I had baby dolls, teddy bears, and puppies who were my surrogate children. My favorite toys were my Sunshine Fun Family. They were exactly what I wanted and did not have: mom, dad, two cute kids. It's still what I want and sadly do not have.

In college, I was thinking of dates and degrees. A family was for someday. When I married, I really thought that someday was almost here, but my husband said someday was still further away. Then I got pregnant and quickly miscarried. At the time mixed with the sorrow was a relief: we weren’t ready. How many times had he said that? I was still developing my career and after all, we had plenty of time.

Then he left. I was thirty and starting over. Grieving my marriage, I still wasn’t quite frantic yet; after all I still had plenty of time. I hoped that I’d meet someone new and fall madly in love. We’d get married and have a houseful of children (it’s amazing how that number has changed depending on the situation over the years).

It’s been eight years and there’s still no one new. I constantly hear the tick-tock of that loud metaphorical clock. It says I no longer have plenty of time. I find myself constantly researching “options.” I know what I want: a child. What is the best way?

I have found sperm banks and browsed their donor lists. I have contacted an infertility clinic about artificial insemination, such a yucky term. I have read endlessly about adoption.

I am torn. I want a child; I want a husband; I want a family. Of these three, the one I feel the least compelled about and have the least control over is the husband. I do not think I will ever feel complete if I do not have a child to call me “Mama.” The very thought cuts to the very essence of who I am.

I do not know which way to go.

I used to only think about adoption. I knew that there were so many unwanted children in the world. Wouldn't a one-parent home be better than having no parents? I have so much to offer this un-parented child: a safe home, plenty of love and dedication, and my intense desire to parent.

I know that I could love a child not biologically my own, but would I later regret not having the experience? The thoughts circle endlessly around my head.

I could adopt later if I chose, but sadly, there will probably not be a later for a biological child. Now that I am almost out of time, I cannot get the idea out of my head. I want to be pregnant! I desperately want to feel a little person growing inside me. I want to name someone. It’s not really the desire to pass my genetic material forward but to be there from the beginning with someone -- highly unlikely in a single-parent adoption.

Where did all of these thoughts come from? They were hiding somewhere for a while, but they came creeping back as my 38th birthday approached. Now they are constantly with me. I feel so confused and torn. I want both and truly fear having neither.

I try to go on with my life and only share these thoughts and questions with close friends. I get widely divergent advice from these friends. Each has his or her own view of what is right. So I am no further than six months ago. To procreate or not procreate? That is my very personal question, but I still do not have an answer.