My Unanswered Question

submitted by Marynell

It is so strange that I have now reached an age where having a baby remains on my mind so often. I can’t remember ever not planning to have children. I had baby dolls, teddy bears, and puppies who were my surrogate children. My favorite toys were my Sunshine Fun Family. They were exactly what I wanted and did not have: mom, dad, two cute kids. It's still what I want and sadly do not have.

In college, I was thinking of dates and degrees. A family was for someday. When I married, I really thought that someday was almost here, but my husband said someday was still further away. Then I got pregnant and quickly miscarried. At the time mixed with the sorrow was a relief: we weren’t ready. How many times had he said that? I was still developing my career and after all, we had plenty of time.

Then he left. I was thirty and starting over. Grieving my marriage, I still wasn’t quite frantic yet; after all I still had plenty of time. I hoped that I’d meet someone new and fall madly in love. We’d get married and have a houseful of children (it’s amazing how that number has changed depending on the situation over the years).

It’s been eight years and there’s still no one new. I constantly hear the tick-tock of that loud metaphorical clock. It says I no longer have plenty of time. I find myself constantly researching “options.” I know what I want: a child. What is the best way?

I have found sperm banks and browsed their donor lists. I have contacted an infertility clinic about artificial insemination, such a yucky term. I have read endlessly about adoption.

I am torn. I want a child; I want a husband; I want a family. Of these three, the one I feel the least compelled about and have the least control over is the husband. I do not think I will ever feel complete if I do not have a child to call me “Mama.” The very thought cuts to the very essence of who I am.

I do not know which way to go.

I used to only think about adoption. I knew that there were so many unwanted children in the world. Wouldn't a one-parent home be better than having no parents? I have so much to offer this un-parented child: a safe home, plenty of love and dedication, and my intense desire to parent.

I know that I could love a child not biologically my own, but would I later regret not having the experience? The thoughts circle endlessly around my head.

I could adopt later if I chose, but sadly, there will probably not be a later for a biological child. Now that I am almost out of time, I cannot get the idea out of my head. I want to be pregnant! I desperately want to feel a little person growing inside me. I want to name someone. It’s not really the desire to pass my genetic material forward but to be there from the beginning with someone -- highly unlikely in a single-parent adoption.

Where did all of these thoughts come from? They were hiding somewhere for a while, but they came creeping back as my 38th birthday approached. Now they are constantly with me. I feel so confused and torn. I want both and truly fear having neither.

I try to go on with my life and only share these thoughts and questions with close friends. I get widely divergent advice from these friends. Each has his or her own view of what is right. So I am no further than six months ago. To procreate or not procreate? That is my very personal question, but I still do not have an answer.