from Rudy:
I’m technically still a Thinker, since I haven’t started the actual process of trying to conceive (TTC) yet, but I am now 100 percent committed to doing it. I just have to wait another year due to financial and work-related constraints.
Having all this time to ponder my decision has been both a blessing and a curse.
On the one hand, it’s terribly difficult to have so many months to wait. I’ve started a weekly countdown and am now at week 57, which seems like an unbearable amount of time, especially when thoughts of being a mother cross my mind at least 10 times a day. However, the long waiting period has also given me time to fully prepare myself emotionally, physically and psychologically (as well as financially).
To that end, I have created my own private “Bucket List” (swiped the idea from the movie obviously) of things I want to accomplish before getting pregnant/having a child. Some of the items are practical, such as learning to sew (a way to save money after the child comes) and teaching myself a working knowledge of things like plumbing, electricity and auto mechanics (to help me become even more independent). Other items are more for my emotional well-being, such as running a half marathon (to give me a real feeling of accomplishment, and faith in my abilities) and visiting NYC (something I’ve never done but have always wanted to do). Other items are simply frivolous and are too embarrassing to mention, but will act to further contribute to my feelings of self-confidence as I embark on my journey.
I’m technically still a Thinker, since I haven’t started the actual process of trying to conceive (TTC) yet, but I am now 100 percent committed to doing it. I just have to wait another year due to financial and work-related constraints.
Having all this time to ponder my decision has been both a blessing and a curse.
On the one hand, it’s terribly difficult to have so many months to wait. I’ve started a weekly countdown and am now at week 57, which seems like an unbearable amount of time, especially when thoughts of being a mother cross my mind at least 10 times a day. However, the long waiting period has also given me time to fully prepare myself emotionally, physically and psychologically (as well as financially).
To that end, I have created my own private “Bucket List” (swiped the idea from the movie obviously) of things I want to accomplish before getting pregnant/having a child. Some of the items are practical, such as learning to sew (a way to save money after the child comes) and teaching myself a working knowledge of things like plumbing, electricity and auto mechanics (to help me become even more independent). Other items are more for my emotional well-being, such as running a half marathon (to give me a real feeling of accomplishment, and faith in my abilities) and visiting NYC (something I’ve never done but have always wanted to do). Other items are simply frivolous and are too embarrassing to mention, but will act to further contribute to my feelings of self-confidence as I embark on my journey.
I had an interesting experience last week when I met with my financial advisor. I had previously told him of my plans (didn’t really want to share that info with a near-stranger, but since it is very relevant to my financial plan, I did have to tell him). I obviously didn’t go into details, and I realized how little he comprehends the situation when he was talking about my future plans and said “When you…uh…get…a baby in a few years”
When I GET a baby? What does he think I’m doing, ordering one from a catalogue? In any case, I have to give him credit for not dismissing my plan. I just found it humorous the way he struggled to find the right words for this unorthodox situation!
When I GET a baby? What does he think I’m doing, ordering one from a catalogue? In any case, I have to give him credit for not dismissing my plan. I just found it humorous the way he struggled to find the right words for this unorthodox situation!
One less positive experience this week was watching the "Sex and the City" movie last night. I suppose it was silly of me to allow myself to get emotional over a movie, but after watching the series for six years, I was quite attached to the characters, and the movie was quite heart-wrenching at times. And the happy endings that were portrayed reminded me (albeit in typical over-the-top Hollywood fashion) how wonderful love and marriage can be when you find the right partner.
It felt particularly poignant for me since I am in the midst of grieving the fact that this kind of “happy ending” may never happen for me. I think my initial reaction to such things is to subconsciously or consciously try to “harden” my heart in an attempt to distance myself from the need for sex and romantic love, but then I realized what an awful thing that is to do to oneself. But I feel trapped in a sense. Opening myself to these kinds of feelings is even more painful because I have no immediate means by which to fulfill them. I don’t want to suppress my emotions (and realize it’s not healthy to do so), but I sometimes find no other way to block out the pain.
It felt particularly poignant for me since I am in the midst of grieving the fact that this kind of “happy ending” may never happen for me. I think my initial reaction to such things is to subconsciously or consciously try to “harden” my heart in an attempt to distance myself from the need for sex and romantic love, but then I realized what an awful thing that is to do to oneself. But I feel trapped in a sense. Opening myself to these kinds of feelings is even more painful because I have no immediate means by which to fulfill them. I don’t want to suppress my emotions (and realize it’s not healthy to do so), but I sometimes find no other way to block out the pain.
However, I must note that up until I saw the movie, I was feeling very happy with my life and quite positive overall about my plans. Perhaps I was just having an overly emotional day when I saw the movie. But I also wonder if it stirred up emotions that I had been trying to keep under wraps and they all came bubbling out.
I suppose time will tell, and this has in no way changed my mind about my future. It’s just made me realize that it might not be as easy emotionally as I had been fooling myself to believe.
To all those Moms out there, are there things you wish you'd done before having your child/children that would have been helpful to you?
I suppose time will tell, and this has in no way changed my mind about my future. It’s just made me realize that it might not be as easy emotionally as I had been fooling myself to believe.
To all those Moms out there, are there things you wish you'd done before having your child/children that would have been helpful to you?
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